Monday, December 10, 2012

silver thread

sounds prettier than a shred of skin doesn't it?

It's what I feel like is holding me together right now. I'm afraid that if it tares and it lets go I may never get myself back.

I want to trust that all this unraveling is okay but I gotta be honest and say that I just don't know.

Every time I open my eyes I'm so fucking thankful that I've made it another day. I didn't die of dispair or a broken heart. I just keep bleeding that poison out. It has to be done sometime.

I need this. I deserve this.

I know it's not meant to be easy. I'm alright with that.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified on all accounts.

4th time today that I started to cry. I wont let myself though because I can't seem to recall a day in the last few weeks that I haven't cried.

Enough is enough right?

Every time I touch that black muck I just keep getting sick - I just keep thinking that it's got to end soon. Please, leave me alive when its all done.

Baby's black balloon has been growing in her tummy for some time now and yes, there has been a hole this whole time.

Rotton, black muck that smells of death bubbling just under my eyelids- when I squeeze my eyes my tears fall black down my pale face.

Am I eating enough? Am I getting enough water? I know I'm not really sleeping lately but I can't get a grasp on anything anyway so what does it matter?

Are you afraid that I'm slipping away as you read this? Yea? You're not alone.

But fuck that noise. Momma and Daddy didn't raise a pussy. I will whine and bitch and moan for some attention but I'd just as soon give you a black eye than let you stick your filthy hands up my skirt. I didn't want to wear a goddamn dress anyway. You cut my hair short and put me in ugly glasses and you never taught me how to shave my legs.

I learned how to use a pad on my own.

I did everything on my own.

Momma didn't raise no pussy. She raised a lonely, unwanted, neglected and abused little girl and she's really really pissed off. And no, don't fucking buy me anything. I wont forgive you this time.

I don't blame him for hating you. I hate you too. You did the same thing to him that you did to me.

And all the while we're supposed to keep and choke on this fucking family bullshit. The secret where you abuse us when  you drink and when you don't drink because mommy and daddy hate themselves and we're just supposed to be okay with that.

Fuck you for making me feel bad for asking for what I need. Because of what you did you made me fearful to ask for what I need now. Always being treated like anything and I do mean ANYTHING is more important than what I might desire.

That's alright. I'll get it sorted as they say. And someday I will let MY daughter read all of this and she will understand compltely why I saved her from being raised by this sick fucking bunch of twisted fucks.

finding my happy

I must have cried you out of my system last night because I'm already finding my happy today.

I'm less combative without you.
I'm more assertive.
I definitely put up with less shit. Why should I? It was like I would practice with my friends when you were around to make sure I could still do it. But now I don't have to.
You have taught me so many things. I hope my actions in no longer having you in my life has made you possibly take a look at yourself as well. Some self actualization wouldn't kill you.

My jaw is no longer tense. My blood pressure is so low I'm eating pickles for breakfast just to get it to come back up to normal.

I gave you too many of my years as it was. You don't care about yourself enough to do anything about your shit but I do.

This is me, moving on.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

a million tears

could be cried and it would never make up for the way that I have taken out my pain onto you.

I am doing this for us. We wont make it another 10 years if I stay here in this space. We just wont. It's too much for me and way too much for you. It will kill us.

You have been the only thing that I have ever truly loved, cherished and adored. You are the only thing that I love, cherish and adore.

I don't deserve you. All your patience and understanding.

I certainly didn't deserve the last 10 years of letting you watch me destroy myself trying to find a tiny crack to fit into with my family.

I wont overuse this word too much but I am sorry. I am sorrier than anyone could ever be.

And you, beautiful you, kind you, gorgeous you with your sexy little freckles and warm green eyes that always smile at me: you are the only thing in this whole world that makes ANY sense to me.

You make me see my value. YOu forced me to see myself the way you do and when I did I knew that there was going to be an epic battle.

I'm trying so hard to do this on my own and not lean on you  right now but you have to know that I am broken into a million pieces and I don't want you to be scared to see me that way because sometimes we have to break completely before we can really be okay.

And I feel that way ya know? I feel like I've been on the verge of shattering for 10 years and finally .. god finally its happening. Fuck fuck fuck god fuck I need this. I just need to be HUMAN and SCREAM and FUCK IT FUCKING HURTS.

Please don't be scared. You don't have to watch it. But you might sometimes catch me breaking. I can't hide it anymore.

Before you know it you will look up at me and you will see a little gray eyed girl that is smiling at you all over again. I may be crying still but the smile will be real,  I promise you I wont break forever.

We are going to be the best us that we've ever been after this. It will be worth it. I want you to have the best of me. The very very best of me and this is really the only way to do it.

Everything is changing - everything. And before long this hill that I've been running up will turn into a nice flat place for us to find a good balance again.

All I've ever wanted was to carve out a life with you - a beautiful life full of love and joy. We deserve that. You, my sweet love with the best heart I've ever known, deserves that.

I love you


shiny things...

Excited about this new life that lay in front of me nothing is known and everything new.

Sad that I can't take you with me. the weight of you overcomes the power of me.

candle candle burning bright. i wish you all the love in the world.

Have the best Holiday ever. I will! And we knew each other once and you will remember me when .. and right now it makes you cry like it does me. But someday you will smile. I promise you.

My Christmas will be  graveyard this year. I'm decorating the headstones and singing in the cold. It's snowing and my Raven is sitting with me. My tears are turning to ice but I am smiling because this is the last Christmas that I will mourn the loss of someone you expect me to be.

And when it's over I will wrap myself up warm, pull my arms around myself and turn and smile to you - Bye is all I will say and I will go. I hope you were there with me to see that girl die - she will stay with you in your heart forever and I will take with me the girl that deserves to live!

We are better apart than we are anything. I know you'll cry and you'll hate me and you're to curse me I'm sure. Do you really think I have never cursed you? I don't even bother to do it under my breath anymore. lol

And then it will be like any other day someday and everything will be okay. I will have finally shed this skin - probably literally because without you, all of you, I wont have an excuse to hide behind all of this weight I carry with me.

Fly blackbird, Fly.

I do love you, you know. All of you. I just love me more. And I don't belong there. You've always known that. That's why you tried to get rid of me.  But I always came back like a bad penny didn't I ?

No worries. I wont be back. You need to move on as much as I do. All I do is cause you to remember.

We failed and that's okay. Sometimes it happens.

Be happy. Be free. Be good to yourself.

I Need this. I need this so much. I deserve this. And while you don't understand yet, you need this too. Be with your people. They act like you expect them to. And be away from me, the one that is always sourly disappointed. Your people make you happy. Your family makes your heart full. They empty me until I am a void.

We don't fit.

I need this. And I am doing this. Nothing will stop me. I deserve this.

You always did say I was selfish. I wanted you to approve of one thing I did: Take care of selfish little me.

Friday, December 7, 2012


we were there for you when you asked us, sometimes when you didn't.
I drove 40 miles a day one way to keep you company when you were in the hospital.
I slept over at your house on the couch when you had pneumonia.
I kept you company when everyone else wouldn't come around for whatever reason.
I was consistently a good friend.
You were consistently a fence sitter.
And I know why you haven't called me or tried to contact me in any way: You chose.

You chose them over us.

I always knew that when it came down to it you would.

I chose too.

Me over you.

Family will always be there for you you say? Really?

I'm still trying to figure out when they've been there for me when I've REALLY needed them in my whole 39 years.

I figure at this point if that hasn't happened yet...

just remember you walked away. not me. you chose this. And there wont be an option to "un choose".

Honestly its a relief. You chose L and M to hang around and then you would spew that negative bullshit into my life. You wanted me to be your creative, positive, smart and funny spot but you misused me.

But listen, no hard feelings. Just fuck off.


should be "learn how to cope or suffer big, scary consequences" for me at least.

I was in the ER this week, again. This time I'm passing out for no apparent reason.

No apparent reason you say?

One of the reasons you get syncope is stress.

Irony: having a big, crazy conversation with your wife about how she doesn't manage her stress levels appropriately and ending up in the hospital with syncope from anxiety.

Bet you can't beat that with a proverbial stick? Heh, would you want to?

Anyway, so lets recap:

I've lost 2 people to death this year. A grandfather and a grandmother. I lost 2 dear pets. I lost 9 plus "friends" and went through some seriously unnecessary drama. Then I went through another round of drama (that was again not necessary) and lost a few more "friends". "" is reserved for the very special of fake friends ;)

Moving on, again.

I was nearly crippled with chronic pain for more than 7 months and before that lived with it for nearly 8 years.

I lost my brother.

I lost my father.

I lost both of my aunts.

Because I love myself more.

Then I got my mom back for a few days after not having talked to her for 4 years and then lost her again too.

I realized that I have crippling anxiety. And I have only come to discover that I am living my life in all the wrong ways. I've been sleeping.

So, the good things that have happened are: I quit smoking. Life-long achievement for me. I've been trying to quit since I started over 20 years ago. Big tick on my headboard for that one.

I have grown closer to my friends and my wife since I've let go of the people that were dulling my shine. Another life-long success.

I eat more cupcakes these days and smile more.

My A1C is a 5.8 and I exercise almost 14 times a week. No kidding! When I quit smoking I needed something to do so I started exercising twice a day! I love it!!

I am saying no more often and yes only when I really want to and I don't care who's feelings I hurt if saying yes or no hurts MY feelings first.

I put myself before anyone or anything else when it counts most of the time and am a selfless partner and a good friend.

I've stopped engaging in destructive friendships and behaviours a lot less. I've gotten rid of 3/4 of the ones that I was aware of. The other 1/4 isn't causing me problems atm so it's not so important to actually "do" something right now.

I am terrified of all the massive changes in my life but also very thankful for them as they are bringing about positive change. Its just everything feels like it's changing at once and wow, what a crazy feeling that is!

Just like when I got my DX for DM (diabetes) it was in that crazy, serendipitous way that ends up being a proverbial blessing in disguise. Now I have to deal with whatever this is.

My first line of defense is to try Rhodiola. Its got a lot of good benefits and the first one being that it lowers cortisol. I do believe that that's my number one problem. They say cortisol contributes to diabetes, obesity and heart disease. I can't agree with something more that wants to help me with that.

The doc wants me to take some sort of lab created drug and I can't do it. I just can't. I swore to myself that I would never take an SSRI again unless it was a MUST. I don't feel like I am quite there yet. Yes, Im sad, yes im scared but Im not there yet.

I did however take the xanax I was given in the hospital for my panic attacks. That is helping quite a bit.

More later.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


My left arm is riddled with scars. My 13 year old self decided that she was going to kick start this skin mosaic by carving the name of the boy she was "seeing" into her arm. Henley was his last name. Why did I chose his last name? I don't know.

Anyway that was the beginning of a long, 13 year affair with the blade and the end result is a tapestry of pain and pleasure.

I had many reasons why I cut - sometimes it was for attention. Most of the time it was to relieve some bigger emotional pain I was too immature or too scared to face.

And sometimes it was just to prove that I was indeed a living, bleeding, breathing human being and not a "kick me all over" barbie.

I was the master of cutting and hiding. Sometimes I would just slice here and there lightly for a "fix". I just needed to see red.

Sometimes when the pain was way too much to overcome I would cut deep and erratically.

Most of the time I needed the pain to survive. Not the pain of cutting because have you actually cut yourself with a razor? Did it really hurt all that bad? No, not really huh?

My red, swollen and raw arm that rubbed against my sleeve was enough pain to get me through the day. As it healed the emotional pain seeped in so I would cut over the healing cuts and start the pain all over again. Sometimes I would cut every few days for months.

Today I have been self harm-free for 14 years. Soon, I will write a poem that I will have tattooed onto my scarred arm along with some cool art, of course.

Tomorrow I will explain more to you about where I have been and what I have been going through. I owe you at least that.


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Dear, Mom.

Hey, I just wanted to tell you a few things.

Firstly, there's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I know you don't understand why I walked away and you probably hate me for it and that's okay. I can't change what's happened. But I do think about you a lot.

Secondly, and this is a BIG and IMPORTANT secondly, Im sitting here trying to figure out a way to say to you that so much of what you've been through because of your sisters and our family was so unfortunate. Those are NOT the words I was looking for but I'm going to keep trying - Im glad things went the way they did. You stepped back out of the family and things got weird and different and for the first time I was able to see everyone for who they are and mom you were right about everyone just about.

I made this big attempt to be friends with my dad and he turned out to be such a looser. To boot? He's a bit retarded emotionally and acts about 17 most of the time. He's really weird and awkward and just downright bizarre. A day never went by when he didn't remind me that I was still too heavy for him to love.. And he definitely tried to buy my forgiveness. Sadly, it didn't work. Well, some shit went down and I called it quits. It was like being back in hich school with him all over again. Worse actually. Some of the shit he would tell me about stuff - it was just insane. And he's incredibly two faced. Oh, and a big liar. So, learned my lesson there. I had to find out for myself though. Anyway we dont' talk anymore and I no longer feel like I want to kill myself on a daily basis. That's good.

Melissa. She's a classact. lol She's really angry and bitter and nasty to the enth degree. And, she's not even worth talking about. But I will say this much, you and I ? We will never be anything but stepchildren to her. She's a living breathing Walter. She's not worth investing into.

Dema. Dema means well but Dema is two faced and manipulative. She's also a fence sitter and for those kinds of people I always say: If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for everything. I just recently learned that via Melissa's stupidity that Dema tells her everything I talk to her about in private. Now why would she tell Melissa my private business? I can't stand Melissa?

Moral of the story here is you are the smart one. You got out. You weren't rejected mom- you made the right choice. I hope you never go back.

Now that I'm free (yea I sorta just walked away from the family too) I don't feel the need to darken my light or be less than I actually am. I feel free. Actually free. No more of me investing into people that don't give two fucks about me. I could tell you some real horror stories but Im sure you've got me beat with your own.

Point is? You're not this terrible piece of shit that everyone wants you to think that you are. They tried to do that to me too. Difference was? I didn't let them convince me or beat me down. But they tried! Oh, did they try! Head games and so much bullshit you couldnt swim out of it.

People tell me all the time well ya know family, its complicated. No, its really not. When your family wants you to feel like a piece of shit because you outshine them 10-1 they're going to bury you unless you walk away.

Mom, you are more talented, smarter, prettier and more capable than all of them combined. Except for me. I turned out just like my mom. Im gregarious, beautiful and exceptionally talented.

Its not that complicated. Our family is abusive and they hate themselves and the only way you can hang with them is if you're at a dead end job going no where drinking yourself into oblivion and hating yourself too.

Next time Melissa gets all over you about drinking as her what a raging drunk she's turned into. ;)

Anyway, Get on with your life mom. Stop fucking letting them hurt you. Im glad you got all your stuff. You DESERVE to be happy. DONT LOOK BACK. This is YOUR TIME. DON"T FUCKING LOOK BACK. There is nothing for you there. Even if you found it in your heart to forgive them they will never forgive you for being born. I promise you. They made me feel the same way.

I'm done with the whole sick mess. I want nothing to do with it. Im off to find people and family that actually CARE about me. We are moving to Peoria soon where we do have loads of friends and family that do just that. give a shit. We are going to surround ourselves with those kinds of people instead of people that make us feel like we should be okay with taking scraps.

You do the same. NEVER EVER TAKE SCRAPS. You are worth more than that.

Be good to yourself mom. I love you more than you'll ever know. Live your life outlout. Be everything you want to be.

Me, your kid.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

a million pieces...

my father is a lost man. A very sad, very lost man that stopped his emotional growth when he was about 17 methinks.

when I came out to him he didn't want to hear it, it was "disgusting". Now? He has two best friends, Rosie and Kelly and they are lesbians. Did he ever apologize to me for tell me I was disgusting? No, no way. We long since forgot that.

My father had a habit of beating the shit out of me randomly when he lost his temper - this stopped when I was about 16 when I grabbed him by the throat and threw him to the ground; knee on chest and my fist ready to plow into his face I said politely "we, you and me, wont be doing this anymore because Im big enough to fight back now so we, you and me, wont be putting our hands on one another or I'm going to fucking kill you". Strangely we were on the same page from that day on.

Sometimes getting beat up is better than the emotional stuff because bruises fade a lot faster. He loved to torment me about being heavy.

My father is an asshat of the highest order and I so wanted to forgive him and be able to try to be friends as adults. I was never going to get a call from my dearest daddy and I knew that so I called. We set up a date to have dinner and we were well on our way to trying on this new friendship a few years back.

Things were stressed and strained and over time the guilt of being a horrific human being wore off for him or I guess he thought that he paid himself off with gifts because he became a low-life again really fast.

My brothers wedding was approaching and I was having a hard time communicating that the family wanted seperate seating from my mom (another long story) to my brother's fiance' at the time (yea they got married, it was so sad) and she went whining to my father Im guessing that I wasn't going to the wedding because soon after I get this delicious little phone call that ulitimately let me off the hook with my dad.

See, I sorta came to really just dislike my dad a lot but I was in it a little too deep just to say "Been real, thanks for the mem's dad, ciao!" ya know? I mean yea, he's my dad and all but he's just kinda really stupid and immature and a HUGE pompas ass and I always had to bite my tongue off when we spoke and he LOVED to remind me that I was indeed STILL fatter than he'd like ;)

So really he did me a favor when he told me that 'anyone that decided not to go to Ryan's wedding would lose my love and respect, if you catch my drift'??

10-4 good buddy - Im hearing you LOUD and clear.

The email that proceeded the conversation was pretty freeing. Basically I told daddy that his days of bullying me and pushing me into a corner or withholding affection or love were over a long time ago and shame on him for trying and shame on me for letting him. And oh, Fuck off. Lose my number.

yea, well its not my fault that he's not bright enough to understand that the rope he walked with me was a VERY VERY short one to begin with and it also wasn't his fault that I just hadn't forgiven him.

When my brother bought at BMW at 25 it cropped up about 102432834 million feelings of hatred for my father because at 25 I HAD NO CREDIT because my dear father had put 250,000 worth of medical bills into my name at 20 - bills that were his responsibility - bills that he could have EASILY written into his bankruptsy just a short 3 months later. So I was bit bitter when my brother, the lazy spoonfed titty baby that he was was buying a BMW at 25. That was par for the course- it really was. He'd never really had anything to overcome. Daddy made sure of that. Even his most recent DUI daddy took care of. How many DUI's have I had you ask? hang on.. let me think.. Oh that's right!! None. :)

Whatever its not a comparison game - not really.

But my daddy gave me a guitar as a big, public gesture for my birthday one year (one year after we started talking) and to begin with it was way too big for a girl with big boobs like myself. I made it work anyway - and it had blood all over it - it was supposed to heal all of my wounds and make me forget. I didn't I can't I wont.

My father's latest stunts sickened me in a way that I don't have words for and I lived with that hurt for about a month before I picked up my guitar one night and smashed it into a million pieces.

Man, do I feel better. :)

Friday, October 19, 2012

Major Life Changes

I couldn't possibly pretend to be able to catch you up on all the things that have been going on in my life in full but a readers' digest should do quite nicely:

For a while there I had a severe peak in pain with my back. I am still seeking out herbal pain management and my current line of defense is turmeric. It is reported to work better after one takes it for a longer period of time to "build up" but right now Im not even sure that I'm getting good-quality turmeric. I just buy the caps usually. Recently I got some good, fresh stuff that was loose in a bag. I bought that a lots of other natural pain remedies to try.

I hate to admit that I seem to always shotgun all my efforts to do this or that but I do. *sigh* So I can't tell you if the Turmeric is helping or if it's the fact that I quit smoking Tuesday morning. Ha - you're probably reading this going "oh, just Tuesday huh?" and I'm thinking OHMYGODIMADEIT4DAYS!!! lol Well almost 5 now. Hey, its the little but big things sometimes right?

Anyway nicotine is said to harass nerve endings quite a bit because it can collapse smaller capillaries responsible for supplying the nerves with blood. When that supply is taken away well those nerves obviously die. Since I've been off the smokes I have been using an electronic cig which does still have nicotine in it but Im not sure if its really the same as smoking. I know it feels very little like smoking - my complex and needy brain knows the difference let me tell you - but anywhoo I digress. . .

Lessee what else is going on for me? Without really trying to I've taken some time off - I guess because I've been in so much pain. I made a trip to the ER recently and have had a bit of a mental hiccup errrr.. yes. That's what I would call it. The kind of hiccup where you swallow and eat and push all of your worries and pain down into your toes and without warning it comes flying up and out of you like a can o fake peanuts. gggbllleerraaaahg. Something like that anyway.

It's okay. I'm okay. It was BOUND to happen. I will deal and I will come out on the other side a better, much-improved me!

Creating has been put on hold. I've been making efforts here and there but that hasn't been my focus. I guess all my mental stuff got ahold of me along with my physical stuff.. hell. I don't know. Im just an artist. I am merely designed to FEEL this crazy shit - not understand it?

So while we're on the topic how DOES one go about getting rid of the black muck that fills one's heart and soul so it doesn't run amok or better yet? Runs over? I mean really? I don't see a therapist. That's just giving all my art away. I don't go through this pain so I can pay someone to take it off of my hands - I usually create it out of me. Yea okay call me about as dense as they come - Would you suppose that I haven't exactly been getting to the torch as often as I should and therefore got proverbially 'backed-up'??

Makes me laugh to say it but Im glad we had this time to talk - no really. I need to get my ass over here a lot more often. I have a feeling that it might be a little higher on the "to do" list in the coming days.

So what's going on with you, my friends? I have missed being connected to my artsy-fartsy crazy folk - I've had my head up my ass where I guess it's needed to be but after a while it gets lonely up there. *waving arms in the air* I'm done!!!

I think I am learning more about how to balance chronic pain and life in general. My last really bad bout with pain wasn't so distracting this time. I just sorta coasted through it (without any pain meds, cream or anything but good old turmeric) and while it was anything but pleasant I think I'm getting used to my constant companion.

Regardless of the quitting smoking or the turmeric or whatever is causing me to have less pain I love it. I plan to continue to be a non-smoker (might as well fuck, I had the mental breakdown and am in the middle of mourning my fucking habit right now, you think I wanna do THIS shit again? HELL no.) and I plan to keep trying herbs here and there to see what I can benefit from. I thought about keeping a pain blog but that's just too much focusing on pain and being bla bla bla. The thought of one of you trying to take my very limited and somewhat ignorant advice about pain management makes me more than a bit freaked out too - so don't do it. I'm an artist not a doctor. I don't even play one on Tv so DO NOT do what I do. I should be your cautionary tale.

Well anyway, carry on folks. Autumn is here and just as soon as I get done with this *period* in my life I think I'll be able to experience it lol

Jesus H life is wicked sometimes eh?

be good to yourself. That's an order. ;)


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

it's times like these

that you find out what you're made of.

Pain was inconsequential to me for most of my journey thus far because I could just pop a pain pill and get on with my life in a mannor of speaking.

But these small nagging questions were popping up - where did I put that thing that I need so badly right now? When did I make that appointment for again? Why didn't I write it down? Did I get that done? What the hell is going on?

I was stuck in the movie Momento - I  was losing large chunks of my life. Honestly? I felt like I was losing my mind. It was beyond frustrating and for me, enough was enough. There had to be a better way to go about this. I just needed to start thinking about things differently.

The next visit to see the pain management doctor would results in taking narcotics off of the table entirely to see what she had to offer. The amount of options were actually quite startling (and what a relief that was!)! I had to wonder why narcotic meds were often the first line of defense when there were so many other avenues to treat pain? Was it because we the consumer are pushing for instant gratification so we are in effect training our healers to just give us a quick fix? Possibly. Or are we talking about peer pressure from the big pharm companies to hand out these dangerous little pills for the almighty capitalistic gain? Let's face it - a big part of what drives Americans is greed. But I refuse to believe that every healer is spurned on  by our pill culture - there are some good doctors left in the world, right?

So, in conclusion I've been off pain pills now for almost a month and I have to tell you that it's one of the best and hardest decisions I've made for myself. But I didn't go off because I'm healed or no longer in pain - quite the opposite. I struggle with chronic pain at different levels every day. Some days are better than others. Overall I guess I'm pretty lucky in retrospect. I read about people that have been in horrible car accidents and have several painful conditions and when it comes to the kinds of hell that people live in the list just goes on and on. This is not to say that one pain is better than the other - I just know when to count my blessings.

My new methodology is anything non-narcotic. We are starting different treatments now. Lidocaine patches are effective for me as they somehow numb the nerves that cause my legs to ache. Along that same vein is lidocaine cream with lots of non narcotic non steroidal anti inflammatory goodies in it. I get that tomorrow and have a lot of hope for that one. I've heard its good stuff.

I'm also trying herbs, supplements and OTC pain relievers. Once upon a time things like aspercream and tylenol precise and biofreeze helped but Im way past those now and into a completely different world of pain that those don't touch at all.

I still use heat and ice nearly daily. Heat is a morning get me going thing and then I follow that up with ice to knock back the swelling in my spine.

By the way we are treating Degenerative Disk Disease. That's the official diagnosis these days. I have two bulging disks and severe misalignment.

I will be trying chiropractic here soon. I was astonished when she suggested even pushed that treatment. I had read that its a big no no for us with bulging disks. I have a feeling that it would be still if she didn't know someone who specialized in treating those with such a condition.

I want to say that I will always be strong and take the road less travelled but I know that's a lie. I will try my hardest to stay here and just deal with things as they come. My pain does make me very desperate at times and I think it would just be easier if I just gave in - but just as I am breaking mentally and going down that darkened road of dispair something breaks and I kinda come back again.

I do worry sometimes about the mental ramifications that pain seems to have on me - I do get into a pretty awful funk but so long as I can crawl back out I find this to be just something that comes along with dealing.

This has been in the forefront of my life and mind for some time now and I think about it a lot. I can't help it. When I am in pain all I can do is to try to figure out ways to get out. Its like something is on fire and I have to put it out - and it feels like a cycle sometimes where when it wont let up and it drags me further and further down I claw harder and harder to keep from slipping too far down - that's when the best ideas come to me in the darkest of my times.

Just last night I was having a breakthrough pain and really nothing was touching it. I was wearing a lidocaine patch, had swallowed as much OTC pain medication as I could and was sitting on a heating pad. I just couldn't get comfortable. I laid down, I sat up. I walked around and I stretched out the backs of my legs. It just wouldn't leave me be! And in the moment of my terrible crunchiness I had an epiphany of sorts - I realized that I was thinking about this in all the wrong ways - I was still holding on to the idea that someone else could fix me better than I could fix myself. When did I stop being my own healer ? When did that happen exactly?

My mind was on fire with new ideas and the thought of doing more to help myself was not only exciting but really enlightening. I was going to get more proactive and take matters into my own hands more than I'd ever done before.

Before things were different - I could spend some of my time thinking about my back stuff because it didn't need me as much and perhaps that's where I went wrong?  If I had dedicated more time to being my own healer, I might be in better shape now? There's no way of knowing for sure and honestly it doesn't matter now. I can't change what has happened - now I need to move forward.

I have no idea what my rehab will look like as I've yet to do my research but that's the direction that I'm headed. I plan to get strong again - heal myself with exercise and therapy and stay strong. I've always had an advantage in life in that I have super tenacity. Im not capable of giving up. I don't even know what it means to do so and I'm going to use every ounce that I have for this. Its a do or die situation for me at this point - Every cell, every ounce of energy is being used up to treat and care for the pain in my life - I am getting further and further away from myself everyday. I miss being an artist. I miss being creative and working too many hours. I am completely disconnected from everything that makes me feel alive and like a whole human being. That has to change. This? Can't be my life and it wont be.

Im looking forward to the day when I no longer have to focus on pain any longer.

The journey does not end here. giving up is not an option.


Friday, August 24, 2012

the dragon has gone back to sleep...

for now anyway.

I'm feeling so much better and the pain monster fell asleep at about 11 pm last night. Suddenly I felt more relaxed and was able to start thinking about sliding into a tub of hot soapy water. Yes, it had been a few days since I'd bathed.

The fog has lifted and I can see and hear fully again. Pain makes me lose my sense of well being - I lose my sense of taste - nothing tastes good. I lose my sense of hearing.. I don't hear the bugs outside at night anymore.. I can't see the moon or her beautiful friends the stars...

Relief has brought me solace. I don't want to throw everything in site and I've stopped being a weepy mess. And? I was able to sit at my computer for longer than 5 minutes. Success!

I have an apt Monday to see my pain management doc. The only thing up for discussion will be non narcotic pain options. I really love having my sense of self and my witty humor back since the narcotics have left the building.

But I have finally arrived at the crossroads of no longer in denial and acceptance. I have a bad back. A really bad back. I'm done sugar coating this. I'm in pain more than I'm out of it. That's the sad reality but at least I'm dealing with it.

No more epi shots. No more things that don't work. lets look forward now. Lets look at solutions instead of all these noise makers that help me look anywhere but at the real problem. What is the real problem? I don't really know? I have two bulging disks that are pissed at me and scream more than they shut the fuck up. lets look at THAT.

but anyway... what I've been longing for all week ... creative time!! I need to plug into my light source and get charged up!!

So, lets get back to creating shall we? That was just a blip in the radar right? :)


Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I'm not feeling very witty or wordy today so you'll have to pardon my dry straight-forward and totally unimaginative writing for the moment.

There is no way to describe what it's like to have chronic pain unless you're living it yourself. I know, many of you do understand it. Many do not. *nods*

My issue is two bulging disks for a lack of anything more creative to say about it.

My symptoms and pain kicked into high gear about 6 months ago but have been off and on for the better part of 10 years. Obviously it was just all building up to these moments of my life when I would never ever underestimate the power of pain or is weight on someone's life again. Including my own.

I've been in a sort of denial for the duration of about 6 months. I didn't want to admit that just because I could turn the wrong way and throw my back out and be bed ridden for two weeks was any sort of sign that things were worsening. I just thought well, I need to do more yoga and well I need to ride more.

More yoga and more riding I did! Instead of taking it easy I was determined to get STRONGER and even added in some free weights to my regime. Did it work?

No. Sadly it did not.

The frequency to which I was injuring myself was becoming alarming. I could no longer grit my teeth a bare it.

That moment happened where everything sort of just fell like a house of cards and a crushing realization was upon me in a split second;

I was putting groceries away, carefully (im no idiot, I know what I can and can't do by now and bending at a 45 degree angle is always a game of Russian Roulette) into the car and BLAM!!!! I was seeing stars and the urge to throw up hit me so hard I had to hold into something and before I knew it huge, hot tears of frustration were streaming down my face.

I don't think until that moment I had ever once shed a tear over my back. Not even when I threw my back out horribly and couldn't get off the couch to even make it upstairs for 2 weeks - I think it was always just waiting ... buidling.. as true frustration does, for last straw.

I calmly wiped my face and threw the rest of the groceries in the back of the car, eggs be damned and drove home. Hot tears still pouring from my eyes.

It felt good to get mad and sad and just let that shit GO! When I got home my face was red and puffy and I just knew there was no hiding this from the wife. I admitted to my emotional break-down and hated to worry her. But I knew I was in trouble. Big trouble.

I iced my back as I always did and started the healing process but this time I was going to ask for help. I had enough of going it alone - I finally got hooked up with a doctor, got an xray then an MRI and then got scooted off to a pain management doc where I was to get my first of 2 steroidal epidural injections for my bulging disks.

Yay! I was going to FINALLY be out of pain and FINALLY be able to stop having to be at the mercy of these asshole doctors that load you up with super addicting drugs and then treat you like an addict. Jesus what a wonderfully shameful feeling THAT is. Can I have more please?

So I digress - I got my shot.. it was wonderful for the first 2 weeks until I got into some horseplay with my brother who is a brick shit house and innocently pushed me onto a couch where my epidural shot undid its self in a single second. Gah.

2 days later I was 10 kinds of fuckered up and my leg was back to throbbing. Not so much my spine just yet - it always starts with the leg and then just gets all crazy painful everywhere.

So in the meantime I was on a pain pill strike that I had to give up or surely someone was going to end up divorced (me) or dead (me) due to the fact that we were headed out of town for two weeks. Two weeks of sleeping in someone elses bed and two weeks of sitting in chairs Im sure I wont be comfortable in and two weeks of being in shit fuck pain again ... gah!

The pain pill strike ended and I caved. Good thing because I did another sweet ass 45 degree back blow out right before we left loading the car up. But this time? I was able to be quiet about it and just grit my teeth - pop a pain pill and no one had to know. And no one DID know until we came back ;)

So we get back and I get my shot and I wean off opiates once again. Woo Hoo.. I feel better and I got my tooth problem fixed pretty much at the same time. Might as well right? I used the lortabs from my tooth to finish my pain pill addiction. Nice. I was set. No pain in the tooth and no pain in the back ...

Until ...

I worked a nice long 8 hour shift on the torch about 2 weeks after my shot - see? I gave myself a good long break before I went back to work. I AM responsible about my back - and I didn't even yoga or ride even though we had 70 degree weather for 2 weeks.. I was good.

Saturday we go to the store. I merely GET OUT of the car and something went wrong. Felt some grinding and a pop of sorts and almost fell from the pain. OMG what did I do now?

I walked up to the house where the wife was opening the door and as hard as I tried I just couldn't stop the tears - fuck.

So I just cried it out. Let it come. Not so much over the pain but for the pain I knew was to come and the total agonizing frustration of being off work yet another week or two. I can't take it. What can I do? I JUST GOT OFF pain pills I AM NOT going back on. Fuck that. Suck it up. So that's what I did and I proceeded to take groceries in with an icepack in my shorts. Might as well be a productive invalid while I could still walk - it was going to hurt either way what did it matter now?

It didn't really. The damage was done. The swelling was starting and there was precious little I could do.

I used heat and ice and everything else I have at my command (which is an outright arsenal of creams and OTC pills and a back brace and a tenz machine) and pretty much just had to try to accept that this? Wasn't going to get any better - in fact it would prove to get far worse before it got better.

So what does one do when all the nice, easy conventional ways of managing pain are gone? Shots don't work or they do but they're so easy to screw up and for me the diabetic person, having steroids in my system was like trying to manage my blood sugars while someone is feeding me spoonfulls of honey. Sugar spikes if I even thought about food. The cost vs benefit (30 day periods too) wasn't working out anymore.

So I decided I'm done with the shots. Im done with narcotic pain pills and I can't see a chiro. They wont even touch me with two bulging disks. No massage nothing. So now what? Well theres a procedure that.. EH! No. NO FUCKING NO. No one and I mean NO ONE is allowed to touch my back yet. Not yet. NO NO NO because once that starts its all downhill. I've heard the horror stories. I've seen the results and they're not very promising.

Now mind you I know bulging disks are not considered to be at the top of the list of worlds most painful back issues - I know. But Im a someone that can tolerate LARGE and I mean LARGE amounts of pain without even flinching but this was kicking my tough little ass.

I see my pain doc Monday of next week but Im not hopeful. I am going to ask for intensive PT if I can afford it - I've heard it can be super spendy like as in 50 each time you go. But if Im not working that is probably not going to be an option.

Oh yea - we didn't even touch upon that part of this - the guilt of not being able to help support my family is just too much for me. And really if I don't work - we struggle. Hard. I hate it. Everything about it. I wish I had a job where we could get some sort of disability thing going ... but then I'd have to work a 9-5 lol Nah..  ;)

yes, I'm whining. I've earned the fucking right to whine. All i want to do is sit down, create and be happy. Make a little money for my efforts and just go on with things. I've had more down time due to my back in the past 6 months than I've had up. Im real over it.

So what now you ask? I'm asking the same thing. I heard something about lido patches? Numbs the affected area? I dunno? Worth a try. Yes, I know my pain could all be over if I would just take the fucking pain pills. I know. And they're not that bad. That's not the issue. The issue is that I can't seem to find a doctor moral enough to actually really and truly help me get off of these. They want to put you on but they never want to take any responsibility and help you to come off. Fuck that noise. I wont give my power away like that. And even if I did find a good doc that had a set of morals, I still wouldn't. I am just done with that for now and maybe forever. There has to be better ways. Like maybe acupuncture? Something? Some alternative healing ... its out there I just have to find it!

I think everything will work out in the end I just have to continue to be patient and right now Im thin on that. I do have hope still but every day that I spend in severe pain that dwindles. And every day that I can't create I become less and less connected with my light source. I need to work to be happy. Getting on that torch is the ultimate anti depressant for me and allows me to get a sort of meditation that I can't find anywhere else. Not even beautiful Yoga!

So in a way I wrote this post for you, the reader so you could know what I've been struggling with. From your perspective you might have heard about this shot or that.. my back hurting here and there and wondered why in the hell does Payton take so much time off? Slacker!! Heh. Lately that's exactly what I've been. And I wish I could say that I've done more than just build a website with my spare time but no, not really. I did read some good pottery books? Does that count?

I'll be back in the game soon. bare with me. I'm really doing all that I can.

I miss my life. I miss me. Pain free happy go lucky me.


Monday, August 20, 2012

Baby Octopi

So there was this adorable picture floating around on the internet of a baby octopus and the second I saw him not only did I fall in love but I needed to create him in glass. I could see him in my mind's eye nearly instantly. Every color and everything in between was suddenly right there - in my head and ready to be made. 

Usually, I sketch everything out and label all the colors before I start a project. This time? I just took a picture of it with my phone and brought it with me to the torch and dove in. And really? I'm not like crazy obsessed or all that in love with octopi! I do think that they're cool but this little baby octopus was just too cute! 

See what I mean? 

I sat for a moment and sized up my project and then just dove in! I started with a nice, milk glass for the inside of the baby - followed that by some pretty reduction brown for his markings- Then I had to somehow solve the problem of where his tentacles were going to go? If I were working with boro I could just make them go any which way but this was soft glass - I think that would end up being completely problematic so I had to think on my feet - My project was 90% done and I still hadn't given him his cute little arms.

Then it occurred to me - He just needed something to "hold on" to. Sure! Okay, that's easy enough. Make a nice bead and then sculpt him into it. I did - it went well and suddenly I had this adorable little octo in my studio with me!

This picture was snapped when I was still working on it so it's about 990 degrees. The colors always come up brighter after it's cooled. That dark blob of a bead? Ended up being a beautiful purple with pink and blue tones in it. Kinda amazing huh? ;) 

Kind of a better shot of the body - the lighting is a bit better here. That's my messy bench in the background that gets cleaned about once a year.. No really ;) 

And here he is cooled off to room temp:
These little creatures are amazing no? 

So I like this, I really do. I think it's not a half bad attempt! Write it down folks, I actually liked something I made! But I want to make some changes to dial in on those fine details that separate a nice bead from a realistic reproduction of a real life living creature. The bead is pretty but I want something that is tapered so it looks more balanced - and if I have something longer I can work on his tentacles a bit better. This bulky bead was kinda hard to work with. Here is my idea for the next go around ...
Now, this is more like me. Think, draw, label, plan and execute! Im excited to reach for a bit more realism with a few changes like giving him an iris to his eye and adding a few more details- giving him two rows of dots on his tentacles instead of one. Being able to taper down his beautiful arms so they look real by pulling stringers ahead of time! And then lastly I will make the clear outer part of his abdomen a bit fuller - so it looks more like he does in real life. 

I'm hoping to have a new prototype available to view by Tuesday. If you're at all interested in getting your hands on one of these guys let me know. Once I get the working prototype in place I should be able to make custom baby octopi! ;) 

Thanks for stopping by... 

Keep creating.. keep the light on.
Namaste, P

Thursday, August 16, 2012

burning question..

I've always wondered if any of you pay attention to the things that I write about my beads in the descriptions. And if you do, how much of what I say actually influences you to buy said bead?

Sometimes I just have to tell you what I was thinking or what my inspiration was all about - and sometimes I just made a pretty bead and really have no back story for it. But most of the time I end up doing at least a little write-up anyway.

The hardest part of listing beads is giving them a name - sometimes I just have NO CLUE what to call each and every bead child. Imagine if you just kept popping out kids! I think you'd find it difficult to keep coming up with new and different names.. imho.


So what say you? How much of your decision to buy a bead is based on a name or a description? I'd love to hear your input!

And no, I'm not going to start naming all my beads "Thing 1 and Thing 2" though for some of the lesser attractive beads I often wonder .... lol


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

a new dawn, a new day

spent the better part of the day working on my website and realized at that point that I sorta wanted to do a blog ... not the kind of blog where I blabb on infinitely ... nothankyou but rather a blog where I show and talk a little bit about my creative process.

Im not a huge fan of blogging because I never really have all that much to talk about UNLESS it's art. That? I can pretty much talk your face off about.

So, lets give it a go shall we? One of my most creative times of the year is coming up, so this should be a good time to test these blogging waters.