Sunday, December 9, 2012

a million tears

could be cried and it would never make up for the way that I have taken out my pain onto you.

I am doing this for us. We wont make it another 10 years if I stay here in this space. We just wont. It's too much for me and way too much for you. It will kill us.

You have been the only thing that I have ever truly loved, cherished and adored. You are the only thing that I love, cherish and adore.

I don't deserve you. All your patience and understanding.

I certainly didn't deserve the last 10 years of letting you watch me destroy myself trying to find a tiny crack to fit into with my family.

I wont overuse this word too much but I am sorry. I am sorrier than anyone could ever be.

And you, beautiful you, kind you, gorgeous you with your sexy little freckles and warm green eyes that always smile at me: you are the only thing in this whole world that makes ANY sense to me.

You make me see my value. YOu forced me to see myself the way you do and when I did I knew that there was going to be an epic battle.

I'm trying so hard to do this on my own and not lean on you  right now but you have to know that I am broken into a million pieces and I don't want you to be scared to see me that way because sometimes we have to break completely before we can really be okay.

And I feel that way ya know? I feel like I've been on the verge of shattering for 10 years and finally .. god finally its happening. Fuck fuck fuck god fuck I need this. I just need to be HUMAN and SCREAM and FUCK IT FUCKING HURTS.

Please don't be scared. You don't have to watch it. But you might sometimes catch me breaking. I can't hide it anymore.

Before you know it you will look up at me and you will see a little gray eyed girl that is smiling at you all over again. I may be crying still but the smile will be real,  I promise you I wont break forever.

We are going to be the best us that we've ever been after this. It will be worth it. I want you to have the best of me. The very very best of me and this is really the only way to do it.

Everything is changing - everything. And before long this hill that I've been running up will turn into a nice flat place for us to find a good balance again.

All I've ever wanted was to carve out a life with you - a beautiful life full of love and joy. We deserve that. You, my sweet love with the best heart I've ever known, deserves that.

I love you


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow! You are my world and I love you more each day. Your strength and courage is superhuman. We will be better and stronger and happier when it's over. No matter what we always have each other. I love you eternally.