Sunday, October 21, 2012

a million pieces...

my father is a lost man. A very sad, very lost man that stopped his emotional growth when he was about 17 methinks.

when I came out to him he didn't want to hear it, it was "disgusting". Now? He has two best friends, Rosie and Kelly and they are lesbians. Did he ever apologize to me for tell me I was disgusting? No, no way. We long since forgot that.

My father had a habit of beating the shit out of me randomly when he lost his temper - this stopped when I was about 16 when I grabbed him by the throat and threw him to the ground; knee on chest and my fist ready to plow into his face I said politely "we, you and me, wont be doing this anymore because Im big enough to fight back now so we, you and me, wont be putting our hands on one another or I'm going to fucking kill you". Strangely we were on the same page from that day on.

Sometimes getting beat up is better than the emotional stuff because bruises fade a lot faster. He loved to torment me about being heavy.

My father is an asshat of the highest order and I so wanted to forgive him and be able to try to be friends as adults. I was never going to get a call from my dearest daddy and I knew that so I called. We set up a date to have dinner and we were well on our way to trying on this new friendship a few years back.

Things were stressed and strained and over time the guilt of being a horrific human being wore off for him or I guess he thought that he paid himself off with gifts because he became a low-life again really fast.

My brothers wedding was approaching and I was having a hard time communicating that the family wanted seperate seating from my mom (another long story) to my brother's fiance' at the time (yea they got married, it was so sad) and she went whining to my father Im guessing that I wasn't going to the wedding because soon after I get this delicious little phone call that ulitimately let me off the hook with my dad.

See, I sorta came to really just dislike my dad a lot but I was in it a little too deep just to say "Been real, thanks for the mem's dad, ciao!" ya know? I mean yea, he's my dad and all but he's just kinda really stupid and immature and a HUGE pompas ass and I always had to bite my tongue off when we spoke and he LOVED to remind me that I was indeed STILL fatter than he'd like ;)

So really he did me a favor when he told me that 'anyone that decided not to go to Ryan's wedding would lose my love and respect, if you catch my drift'??

10-4 good buddy - Im hearing you LOUD and clear.

The email that proceeded the conversation was pretty freeing. Basically I told daddy that his days of bullying me and pushing me into a corner or withholding affection or love were over a long time ago and shame on him for trying and shame on me for letting him. And oh, Fuck off. Lose my number.

yea, well its not my fault that he's not bright enough to understand that the rope he walked with me was a VERY VERY short one to begin with and it also wasn't his fault that I just hadn't forgiven him.

When my brother bought at BMW at 25 it cropped up about 102432834 million feelings of hatred for my father because at 25 I HAD NO CREDIT because my dear father had put 250,000 worth of medical bills into my name at 20 - bills that were his responsibility - bills that he could have EASILY written into his bankruptsy just a short 3 months later. So I was bit bitter when my brother, the lazy spoonfed titty baby that he was was buying a BMW at 25. That was par for the course- it really was. He'd never really had anything to overcome. Daddy made sure of that. Even his most recent DUI daddy took care of. How many DUI's have I had you ask? hang on.. let me think.. Oh that's right!! None. :)

Whatever its not a comparison game - not really.

But my daddy gave me a guitar as a big, public gesture for my birthday one year (one year after we started talking) and to begin with it was way too big for a girl with big boobs like myself. I made it work anyway - and it had blood all over it - it was supposed to heal all of my wounds and make me forget. I didn't I can't I wont.

My father's latest stunts sickened me in a way that I don't have words for and I lived with that hurt for about a month before I picked up my guitar one night and smashed it into a million pieces.

Man, do I feel better. :)

Friday, October 19, 2012

Major Life Changes

I couldn't possibly pretend to be able to catch you up on all the things that have been going on in my life in full but a readers' digest should do quite nicely:

For a while there I had a severe peak in pain with my back. I am still seeking out herbal pain management and my current line of defense is turmeric. It is reported to work better after one takes it for a longer period of time to "build up" but right now Im not even sure that I'm getting good-quality turmeric. I just buy the caps usually. Recently I got some good, fresh stuff that was loose in a bag. I bought that a lots of other natural pain remedies to try.

I hate to admit that I seem to always shotgun all my efforts to do this or that but I do. *sigh* So I can't tell you if the Turmeric is helping or if it's the fact that I quit smoking Tuesday morning. Ha - you're probably reading this going "oh, just Tuesday huh?" and I'm thinking OHMYGODIMADEIT4DAYS!!! lol Well almost 5 now. Hey, its the little but big things sometimes right?

Anyway nicotine is said to harass nerve endings quite a bit because it can collapse smaller capillaries responsible for supplying the nerves with blood. When that supply is taken away well those nerves obviously die. Since I've been off the smokes I have been using an electronic cig which does still have nicotine in it but Im not sure if its really the same as smoking. I know it feels very little like smoking - my complex and needy brain knows the difference let me tell you - but anywhoo I digress. . .

Lessee what else is going on for me? Without really trying to I've taken some time off - I guess because I've been in so much pain. I made a trip to the ER recently and have had a bit of a mental hiccup errrr.. yes. That's what I would call it. The kind of hiccup where you swallow and eat and push all of your worries and pain down into your toes and without warning it comes flying up and out of you like a can o fake peanuts. gggbllleerraaaahg. Something like that anyway.

It's okay. I'm okay. It was BOUND to happen. I will deal and I will come out on the other side a better, much-improved me!

Creating has been put on hold. I've been making efforts here and there but that hasn't been my focus. I guess all my mental stuff got ahold of me along with my physical stuff.. hell. I don't know. Im just an artist. I am merely designed to FEEL this crazy shit - not understand it?

So while we're on the topic how DOES one go about getting rid of the black muck that fills one's heart and soul so it doesn't run amok or better yet? Runs over? I mean really? I don't see a therapist. That's just giving all my art away. I don't go through this pain so I can pay someone to take it off of my hands - I usually create it out of me. Yea okay call me about as dense as they come - Would you suppose that I haven't exactly been getting to the torch as often as I should and therefore got proverbially 'backed-up'??

Makes me laugh to say it but Im glad we had this time to talk - no really. I need to get my ass over here a lot more often. I have a feeling that it might be a little higher on the "to do" list in the coming days.

So what's going on with you, my friends? I have missed being connected to my artsy-fartsy crazy folk - I've had my head up my ass where I guess it's needed to be but after a while it gets lonely up there. *waving arms in the air* I'm done!!!

I think I am learning more about how to balance chronic pain and life in general. My last really bad bout with pain wasn't so distracting this time. I just sorta coasted through it (without any pain meds, cream or anything but good old turmeric) and while it was anything but pleasant I think I'm getting used to my constant companion.

Regardless of the quitting smoking or the turmeric or whatever is causing me to have less pain I love it. I plan to continue to be a non-smoker (might as well fuck, I had the mental breakdown and am in the middle of mourning my fucking habit right now, you think I wanna do THIS shit again? HELL no.) and I plan to keep trying herbs here and there to see what I can benefit from. I thought about keeping a pain blog but that's just too much focusing on pain and being bla bla bla. The thought of one of you trying to take my very limited and somewhat ignorant advice about pain management makes me more than a bit freaked out too - so don't do it. I'm an artist not a doctor. I don't even play one on Tv so DO NOT do what I do. I should be your cautionary tale.

Well anyway, carry on folks. Autumn is here and just as soon as I get done with this *period* in my life I think I'll be able to experience it lol

Jesus H life is wicked sometimes eh?

be good to yourself. That's an order. ;)