Wednesday, March 6, 2013

about these days..

I smile a lot "these days".  And I think about the future more than the past. That has to count for something.

I burned up. In the aftermath all I could do was sit in the rubble and ruins of what my life was; picking over the pieces of  past, present and future.

The past pieces were black, charred so heavy and couldn't be repaired. leave them.

Moving on to the present; I recognized more than the past.. we can work with those.  Set those in the "take" pile.

The future pieces were fragmented and not fully formed but beautiful and full  color and life. They excited me with their shapes. They filled my heart with curiosity and hope. I shoved them into my pockets - as many as I could...

Moving past the longing and the missing and the yearning for what used to be the fulfillment of my unhealthy appetite;  I've traded for a new skin entirely. A new me. A new beginning. So new to me that I don't even know her yet. I do like her though. She's incredible. Strong. Talented. Gifted and kind. She's everything I have ever wanted to be.

I burned up.

I survived.

I am forever changed and from here am very careful about what I take with me into the future. I never want to hurt like that again. I never want to have to burn up again.

And,  I do smile a lot and find myself feeling a lot of joy. That does count for something.  Yes, it really does.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

polar bears...

an eerie silence washed over me
where once the voices of my ancestors spoke to me, had gone 
I wonder what grandpa would think of that country music singer that took her life
he probably listened to her. He loved Dolly. 

have you ever stood outside at night just after a gorgeous thick wet snow fall and listened? 
The silence may strike you- as it has done me so many times. The silence is beautiful and raw and frightening... 

And you find yourself saving up conversations and things to talk about in your head for next... 

And then it hits you - softly at first but sometimes hard

and it can't just be over can it? *shrugs* I guess it can. 

And I still struggle to find meaning in some of it - most of it. I stick my fingers into small spaces inside my heart, I am 6 again playing with Star Wars action figures with jeremy and michelle. I idolize Michelle. She's so clever and smart! Im just happy to be with them both and we always had great adventures. 

Time would go by and we would lose contact until the day we got to play in the river at the creek in the rocks and the fun we had.. 

and I miss them too. I wonder about them all the time. 

I turned away from everyone and anyone that was told lies until who I was became irrelevant anymore. It was only the person she told you I was that mattered. I didn't matter. 

I am still waking away from anything that listens to a story of me and doesn't bother to get to know the real me- And I wont try to convince you so I hope you don't get it wrong because I don't have any threshold for this kind of thing. And I wont apologize and Im not sorry. 

Every day I find myself but every day I lose myself too. The veneer is all but gone and what is left is this tender pink skin that still longs for the voices of her ancestors but holds her head high and privately wants to make them proud of her. 

And alone I walk with her and my familiar and through the places where they have sad stories and happy ones too and I read the words sometimes but not all the time sometimes its all I can do to listen to the noise in my head the one where i slowly climb into my tree and from the very top I can see it all but I am too dizzy and too scared to climb down. 

And I know she will take my  hand and all I have to do is ask her to and I do and I will but this isn't her burdon. It's mine and I will carry it. She has her own. We both want to carry each others because the love I have and she has is big and strong and will always carry us both no matter what kind of river we have to float down - but no. This is mine. And that is yours. But I do love you. So very much. 

And someday I will learn not to care about the ones that sheild their eyes as they crave and lick their lips at what was once a blank canvass and now their only hearts desire and you can draw in their hate too if you want - they wont see it and when they look at it they will hate it and love it and some may recognize themselves but most wont. Its okay. But you don't have to care about that but you do because it is who you are and always will be. 

I plunge my fingers into the earth and that's where I leave it. From my pain things grow and I eat and she eats and we love and live and create and dream. We try and do and scream and cry. We exist. We thrive. 

I am here standing and though I am really waiting Im not. Im just moving so slowly right now no one can actually see me but what I could say is take a picture because if you came back in a week you will see that I have moved if you look at it but you left it at home but why did you come? 

I am little red riding hood. I am the wolf. I am grandma and I am the woods. I am you and I am me. Its one gigantic tangle and we're all a part of it. 

My red hood stays slipped over my eyes and snugged down my chin tucked to my chest for now. 

Chrysalis hides my true identity and you guess to see what I may become. You will have to pay attention because there will be no big announcement when my wings are dry - you will just have to search the meadow for me. Will I be there still? 

I crave no fanfare and I too often shy away from a lot of attention and that's ironic and hard for me as I know I am meant to be in the spotlight so I am trying to learn to live under those bright lights without letting the weight of how you see me crush my beautiful wings. I did wait a very long time to see what color they were - Im not ready to give them up just yet. Besides, you have your own. 

Someone had helped me put myself back together but the parts were all wrong and things were sadly stuck in all the wrong places and that's the way things have been - All these people that said they cared but not really and tried to help but didn't know how to really but I forgave them but I had to take all my parts back and just move along until the next.. and the next.. well you get what happened and then one day when I laid down all my parts she inspected each one carefully and then looked at me before she tried to stick a piece back on and said "everything here is in the wrong place, lets take this all apart and do it right this time" and I found love in her kind eyes that day. The kind of love that lasts well so far 10 years... and I can let you know how the rest goes.. 

Bees and honey and sticky sweet smells from the garden we've built together was only the beginning. The rest was up to me. I had to break myself again and again and move parts around so I could understand and recognize real love and real friendship when it did  happen to come along instead of accepting all these lies and these slight of hands and I always walked away with a lot less then I ever came to the party with - and why was that again? Oh, I was gullible and easily fooled. I remember now. 

Naive smiles couple with over enthusiastic desire to dump all my crayons out at the first person that offered me a spot next to them to color. I've never changed. I'm still that way and every time not just sometimes  but every single time Im just so ready to give my whole heart.

I dont know when and I dont know how but soon I think I will be ready to have that open and ready heart again but right now I am in the longest self preservation stage I've ever been in - Ever. 

I've done a lot of work to weed out the ones that I shouldn't be playing with now I just have to figure out who and why I am going to lay on the floor with a color. Again. 

Im never too far away from that girl that loved barbies and riding her bicycle and that wont ever change  I wont ever truly change and Im glad for that. glad for that little girl that is fun and always wants to play and lives to make you laugh and smile. 

I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like but I know right now and right now Im just trying desperately to gain some momentum without breaking apart again. I've needed to break apart for so long now and I finally found the courage to do that and I don't know that I could do it again if I wanted to. Once in a lifetime ordeal this is and I have spent my whole life teetering right on the edge of this. I can't begin to explain the relief when it just happened. It must be easy for you to think about - just lose your mind and break apart and turn yourself inside out and then pick up all the pieces and put them back in the right order. Sounds perfect and simple really - but in reality its about as easy as breaking 84 plates to nearly dust and then trying to find all the pieces to all the right plates again and hurry because we want soup on one of those plates - we're hungry come on with it already... the world doesn't wait for you to fucking fall apart.. it just needs you to be okay and play your part. 

So, soup it is off of broken plates. Guaranteed to leak ;) 

because come spring the ice and snow that has kept you inside of yourself will melt setting you free again.. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Three months

I celebrated 3 months of not smoking yesterday. Didn't make a big deal out of it just reminded Marci and she and I said yay and it was over.

Just glad for my ever improving health and stamina.

Where yesterday should have been a nice, celebratory day it ended up being a nightmare for me. I had one panic attack after the other.

I've been wracking my brains since they started to try and figure out why or what triggered them but I'm pretty much still in the dark. My only substantial guess is I had a hard pain in the chest and things went to shit for the next 24 hours. It's like something fearful triggers them off and you're fucked in a cycle of rolling attacks.

I feel better this morning and I owe that to a lot of xanax and chamomile tea. I couldn't believe I was having panic attacks through double the dose of my normal xanax. So fucking wild.

Marci and I were chatting off and on and we discovered that I was thinking about my family a lot and still mourning that loss. Of course I am. But I'm sure that wasn't the only reason I was panicking. Anxiety is a nasty, ugly beast and sometimes I have no clue what's going on.

But aside from that I am feeling better. I have been healing and things are getting so much better than they were. The closeness that I was looking for in my other relationships is starting to happen and I just feel lighter and healthier.

Out of all the people that I think about I miss my mom the most. I so desperately want to find a way to be friends with her but I know I can't. And not because we couldn't figure it out or there's something wrong with her - no, it's definitely me. I don't trust her and quite honestly the stress of having her in my life and knowing what kind of power she has over me is too much for me to handle. I loved talking to her for the 4 days that we did but it was making me a mess. Out of all the people in my life that have caused me the most harm she is the number 1 offender.

So it's not so much learning how to get on with my life without these people because I never really "had" any of them. I wasn't truly close with any of them. I can admit that I was never going to let any of them in - No, the learning to live without a tribe of people that I've never really known is so not the issue. The issue is learning how to live without that abuse.

I know reader, I'm sure that's really hard for you to understand; Payton what the HELL are you talking about? Why do you want to be abused? Need it even?

I don't WANT it but sometimes I do feel like I need it. It's as much a habit as chewing your nails or messing with your hair with you're nervous. It just becomes a part of you. The abuse and bad treatment didn't start a week ago. It's been a lifetime.

But all of that aside - I will figure out how to do that and it will be alright in the long run, I have an amazing wife that will support me in anything that I need - I am proud of myself. Have I said that yet? I don't want to sit here and ruin the moment and tell you how hard it was because I'm more humble than that but I'm proud of myself for trying to make big changes so I don't have to walk around with "fuck me over" on my forehead anymore.

When you let people, family, lovers treat you like shit (yes, I know you told them 100 times that you deserve better but what did you do about it? I'll bet that you might have just let it go because that's just who they are right? And all that self hatred gets all over you and it gets into everything you do. It leaks like ink into your eyes darkening your shine and it gets into your soul making the bright spots dull. You said no but you didn't really mean it because you're still letting them treat you like a second class citizen.) it stains you. And just as you've washed and scrubbed that ugly *fuckmeover* ink off your skin they do it again. You wear it like a trophy for the world to see and being that we're primal animals we can smell it on one another. We only respect what deserves or has earned respect and someone that lets people that they love use their face as a doormat doesn't get a lot of respect in life. I wore my shameful ink until I couldn't anymore. I've washed it off for the last time. If I decide to wear ink it will be by my doing.

And that's not all - I've done so much good work in the way of my health and taking care of myself. Accomplishments that would go overlooked by them. Too jealous ? I have no idea why you wouldn't be happy for someone that quit smoking, lost a ton of weight, continues to struggle every day against her illness and for the most part succeeds? Do you? The only thing I can assume is that it makes them jealous to see me rise out of my muck and do better since they're so complacent in their own lives? Content to live with their demons day after day and not convinced of their worth so they just live in misery? I ask everything as a question because I honestly don't know. Or the last and most painful assumption that I can make and have made for most of my life is that they just don't give two fucks about me. Either way, I'm still winning.

My self esteem has gone up about 1000 points (how do you rate self esteem anyway?) since I had the courage to stand up for myself and just walk away. Painful, freeing, cathartic.

And what I'm left with now is all the good feelings that I have for my life - I wont always mourn this way or miss the abuse probably and if I do I will find a appropriate way to deal with it.

Christmas was so peaceful. So was the New Year. I didn't walk away from either celebration and hang my head in shame for the way that these people who call themselves my "supportive family" treated me. I no longer feel ashamed to be alive because I have no one in my life that makes me feel that way.

Don't get it twisted - I don't consider those people my family anymore. I'm already letting people into my life to fill the cracks that they used to be in and those people fit a lot better than the imposters ever did.

"Family will be there for you when no one else will" - Good old aunt melissa.

"Everyone else has been there for me when my family hasn't been which has been 99% of the time. "Family" has failed me time and time and time again. "Family" isn't for me the people you're related to. "Family" are the people that treat me better than the people that I'm related to." - Payton jett

I'm not angry. I'm just done. When I'm no longer angry about something that means that I'm pretty much just over you.

I'm over you. I've moved on to things I can count on and invest in.


Monday, December 10, 2012

silver thread

sounds prettier than a shred of skin doesn't it?

It's what I feel like is holding me together right now. I'm afraid that if it tares and it lets go I may never get myself back.

I want to trust that all this unraveling is okay but I gotta be honest and say that I just don't know.

Every time I open my eyes I'm so fucking thankful that I've made it another day. I didn't die of dispair or a broken heart. I just keep bleeding that poison out. It has to be done sometime.

I need this. I deserve this.

I know it's not meant to be easy. I'm alright with that.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified on all accounts.

4th time today that I started to cry. I wont let myself though because I can't seem to recall a day in the last few weeks that I haven't cried.

Enough is enough right?

Every time I touch that black muck I just keep getting sick - I just keep thinking that it's got to end soon. Please, leave me alive when its all done.

Baby's black balloon has been growing in her tummy for some time now and yes, there has been a hole this whole time.

Rotton, black muck that smells of death bubbling just under my eyelids- when I squeeze my eyes my tears fall black down my pale face.

Am I eating enough? Am I getting enough water? I know I'm not really sleeping lately but I can't get a grasp on anything anyway so what does it matter?

Are you afraid that I'm slipping away as you read this? Yea? You're not alone.

But fuck that noise. Momma and Daddy didn't raise a pussy. I will whine and bitch and moan for some attention but I'd just as soon give you a black eye than let you stick your filthy hands up my skirt. I didn't want to wear a goddamn dress anyway. You cut my hair short and put me in ugly glasses and you never taught me how to shave my legs.

I learned how to use a pad on my own.

I did everything on my own.

Momma didn't raise no pussy. She raised a lonely, unwanted, neglected and abused little girl and she's really really pissed off. And no, don't fucking buy me anything. I wont forgive you this time.

I don't blame him for hating you. I hate you too. You did the same thing to him that you did to me.

And all the while we're supposed to keep and choke on this fucking family bullshit. The secret where you abuse us when  you drink and when you don't drink because mommy and daddy hate themselves and we're just supposed to be okay with that.

Fuck you for making me feel bad for asking for what I need. Because of what you did you made me fearful to ask for what I need now. Always being treated like anything and I do mean ANYTHING is more important than what I might desire.

That's alright. I'll get it sorted as they say. And someday I will let MY daughter read all of this and she will understand compltely why I saved her from being raised by this sick fucking bunch of twisted fucks.

finding my happy

I must have cried you out of my system last night because I'm already finding my happy today.

I'm less combative without you.
I'm more assertive.
I definitely put up with less shit. Why should I? It was like I would practice with my friends when you were around to make sure I could still do it. But now I don't have to.
You have taught me so many things. I hope my actions in no longer having you in my life has made you possibly take a look at yourself as well. Some self actualization wouldn't kill you.

My jaw is no longer tense. My blood pressure is so low I'm eating pickles for breakfast just to get it to come back up to normal.

I gave you too many of my years as it was. You don't care about yourself enough to do anything about your shit but I do.

This is me, moving on.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

a million tears

could be cried and it would never make up for the way that I have taken out my pain onto you.

I am doing this for us. We wont make it another 10 years if I stay here in this space. We just wont. It's too much for me and way too much for you. It will kill us.

You have been the only thing that I have ever truly loved, cherished and adored. You are the only thing that I love, cherish and adore.

I don't deserve you. All your patience and understanding.

I certainly didn't deserve the last 10 years of letting you watch me destroy myself trying to find a tiny crack to fit into with my family.

I wont overuse this word too much but I am sorry. I am sorrier than anyone could ever be.

And you, beautiful you, kind you, gorgeous you with your sexy little freckles and warm green eyes that always smile at me: you are the only thing in this whole world that makes ANY sense to me.

You make me see my value. YOu forced me to see myself the way you do and when I did I knew that there was going to be an epic battle.

I'm trying so hard to do this on my own and not lean on you  right now but you have to know that I am broken into a million pieces and I don't want you to be scared to see me that way because sometimes we have to break completely before we can really be okay.

And I feel that way ya know? I feel like I've been on the verge of shattering for 10 years and finally .. god finally its happening. Fuck fuck fuck god fuck I need this. I just need to be HUMAN and SCREAM and FUCK IT FUCKING HURTS.

Please don't be scared. You don't have to watch it. But you might sometimes catch me breaking. I can't hide it anymore.

Before you know it you will look up at me and you will see a little gray eyed girl that is smiling at you all over again. I may be crying still but the smile will be real,  I promise you I wont break forever.

We are going to be the best us that we've ever been after this. It will be worth it. I want you to have the best of me. The very very best of me and this is really the only way to do it.

Everything is changing - everything. And before long this hill that I've been running up will turn into a nice flat place for us to find a good balance again.

All I've ever wanted was to carve out a life with you - a beautiful life full of love and joy. We deserve that. You, my sweet love with the best heart I've ever known, deserves that.

I love you


shiny things...

Excited about this new life that lay in front of me nothing is known and everything new.

Sad that I can't take you with me. the weight of you overcomes the power of me.

candle candle burning bright. i wish you all the love in the world.

Have the best Holiday ever. I will! And we knew each other once and you will remember me when .. and right now it makes you cry like it does me. But someday you will smile. I promise you.

My Christmas will be  graveyard this year. I'm decorating the headstones and singing in the cold. It's snowing and my Raven is sitting with me. My tears are turning to ice but I am smiling because this is the last Christmas that I will mourn the loss of someone you expect me to be.

And when it's over I will wrap myself up warm, pull my arms around myself and turn and smile to you - Bye is all I will say and I will go. I hope you were there with me to see that girl die - she will stay with you in your heart forever and I will take with me the girl that deserves to live!

We are better apart than we are anything. I know you'll cry and you'll hate me and you're to curse me I'm sure. Do you really think I have never cursed you? I don't even bother to do it under my breath anymore. lol

And then it will be like any other day someday and everything will be okay. I will have finally shed this skin - probably literally because without you, all of you, I wont have an excuse to hide behind all of this weight I carry with me.

Fly blackbird, Fly.

I do love you, you know. All of you. I just love me more. And I don't belong there. You've always known that. That's why you tried to get rid of me.  But I always came back like a bad penny didn't I ?

No worries. I wont be back. You need to move on as much as I do. All I do is cause you to remember.

We failed and that's okay. Sometimes it happens.

Be happy. Be free. Be good to yourself.

I Need this. I need this so much. I deserve this. And while you don't understand yet, you need this too. Be with your people. They act like you expect them to. And be away from me, the one that is always sourly disappointed. Your people make you happy. Your family makes your heart full. They empty me until I am a void.

We don't fit.

I need this. And I am doing this. Nothing will stop me. I deserve this.

You always did say I was selfish. I wanted you to approve of one thing I did: Take care of selfish little me.