Sunday, December 9, 2012

shiny things...

Excited about this new life that lay in front of me nothing is known and everything new.

Sad that I can't take you with me. the weight of you overcomes the power of me.

candle candle burning bright. i wish you all the love in the world.

Have the best Holiday ever. I will! And we knew each other once and you will remember me when .. and right now it makes you cry like it does me. But someday you will smile. I promise you.

My Christmas will be  graveyard this year. I'm decorating the headstones and singing in the cold. It's snowing and my Raven is sitting with me. My tears are turning to ice but I am smiling because this is the last Christmas that I will mourn the loss of someone you expect me to be.

And when it's over I will wrap myself up warm, pull my arms around myself and turn and smile to you - Bye is all I will say and I will go. I hope you were there with me to see that girl die - she will stay with you in your heart forever and I will take with me the girl that deserves to live!

We are better apart than we are anything. I know you'll cry and you'll hate me and you're to curse me I'm sure. Do you really think I have never cursed you? I don't even bother to do it under my breath anymore. lol

And then it will be like any other day someday and everything will be okay. I will have finally shed this skin - probably literally because without you, all of you, I wont have an excuse to hide behind all of this weight I carry with me.

Fly blackbird, Fly.

I do love you, you know. All of you. I just love me more. And I don't belong there. You've always known that. That's why you tried to get rid of me.  But I always came back like a bad penny didn't I ?

No worries. I wont be back. You need to move on as much as I do. All I do is cause you to remember.

We failed and that's okay. Sometimes it happens.

Be happy. Be free. Be good to yourself.

I Need this. I need this so much. I deserve this. And while you don't understand yet, you need this too. Be with your people. They act like you expect them to. And be away from me, the one that is always sourly disappointed. Your people make you happy. Your family makes your heart full. They empty me until I am a void.

We don't fit.

I need this. And I am doing this. Nothing will stop me. I deserve this.

You always did say I was selfish. I wanted you to approve of one thing I did: Take care of selfish little me.

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