for now anyway.
I'm feeling so much better and the pain monster fell asleep at about 11 pm last night. Suddenly I felt more relaxed and was able to start thinking about sliding into a tub of hot soapy water. Yes, it had been a few days since I'd bathed.
The fog has lifted and I can see and hear fully again. Pain makes me lose my sense of well being - I lose my sense of taste - nothing tastes good. I lose my sense of hearing.. I don't hear the bugs outside at night anymore.. I can't see the moon or her beautiful friends the stars...
Relief has brought me solace. I don't want to throw everything in site and I've stopped being a weepy mess. And? I was able to sit at my computer for longer than 5 minutes. Success!
I have an apt Monday to see my pain management doc. The only thing up for discussion will be non narcotic pain options. I really love having my sense of self and my witty humor back since the narcotics have left the building.
But I have finally arrived at the crossroads of no longer in denial and acceptance. I have a bad back. A really bad back. I'm done sugar coating this. I'm in pain more than I'm out of it. That's the sad reality but at least I'm dealing with it.
No more epi shots. No more things that don't work. lets look forward now. Lets look at solutions instead of all these noise makers that help me look anywhere but at the real problem. What is the real problem? I don't really know? I have two bulging disks that are pissed at me and scream more than they shut the fuck up. lets look at THAT.
but anyway... what I've been longing for all week ... creative time!! I need to plug into my light source and get charged up!!
So, lets get back to creating shall we? That was just a blip in the radar right? :)