My left arm is riddled with scars. My 13 year old self decided that she was going to kick start this skin mosaic by carving the name of the boy she was "seeing" into her arm. Henley was his last name. Why did I chose his last name? I don't know.
Anyway that was the beginning of a long, 13 year affair with the blade and the end result is a tapestry of pain and pleasure.
I had many reasons why I cut - sometimes it was for attention. Most of the time it was to relieve some bigger emotional pain I was too immature or too scared to face.
And sometimes it was just to prove that I was indeed a living, bleeding, breathing human being and not a "kick me all over" barbie.
I was the master of cutting and hiding. Sometimes I would just slice here and there lightly for a "fix". I just needed to see red.
Sometimes when the pain was way too much to overcome I would cut deep and erratically.
Most of the time I needed the pain to survive. Not the pain of cutting because have you actually cut yourself with a razor? Did it really hurt all that bad? No, not really huh?
My red, swollen and raw arm that rubbed against my sleeve was enough pain to get me through the day. As it healed the emotional pain seeped in so I would cut over the healing cuts and start the pain all over again. Sometimes I would cut every few days for months.
Today I have been self harm-free for 14 years. Soon, I will write a poem that I will have tattooed onto my scarred arm along with some cool art, of course.
Tomorrow I will explain more to you about where I have been and what I have been going through. I owe you at least that.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Hey, I just wanted to tell you a few things.
Firstly, there's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I know you don't understand why I walked away and you probably hate me for it and that's okay. I can't change what's happened. But I do think about you a lot.
Secondly, and this is a BIG and IMPORTANT secondly, Im sitting here trying to figure out a way to say to you that so much of what you've been through because of your sisters and our family was so unfortunate. Those are NOT the words I was looking for but I'm going to keep trying - Im glad things went the way they did. You stepped back out of the family and things got weird and different and for the first time I was able to see everyone for who they are and mom you were right about everyone just about.
I made this big attempt to be friends with my dad and he turned out to be such a looser. To boot? He's a bit retarded emotionally and acts about 17 most of the time. He's really weird and awkward and just downright bizarre. A day never went by when he didn't remind me that I was still too heavy for him to love.. And he definitely tried to buy my forgiveness. Sadly, it didn't work. Well, some shit went down and I called it quits. It was like being back in hich school with him all over again. Worse actually. Some of the shit he would tell me about stuff - it was just insane. And he's incredibly two faced. Oh, and a big liar. So, learned my lesson there. I had to find out for myself though. Anyway we dont' talk anymore and I no longer feel like I want to kill myself on a daily basis. That's good.
Melissa. She's a classact. lol She's really angry and bitter and nasty to the enth degree. And, she's not even worth talking about. But I will say this much, you and I ? We will never be anything but stepchildren to her. She's a living breathing Walter. She's not worth investing into.
Dema. Dema means well but Dema is two faced and manipulative. She's also a fence sitter and for those kinds of people I always say: If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for everything. I just recently learned that via Melissa's stupidity that Dema tells her everything I talk to her about in private. Now why would she tell Melissa my private business? I can't stand Melissa?
Moral of the story here is you are the smart one. You got out. You weren't rejected mom- you made the right choice. I hope you never go back.
Now that I'm free (yea I sorta just walked away from the family too) I don't feel the need to darken my light or be less than I actually am. I feel free. Actually free. No more of me investing into people that don't give two fucks about me. I could tell you some real horror stories but Im sure you've got me beat with your own.
Point is? You're not this terrible piece of shit that everyone wants you to think that you are. They tried to do that to me too. Difference was? I didn't let them convince me or beat me down. But they tried! Oh, did they try! Head games and so much bullshit you couldnt swim out of it.
People tell me all the time well ya know family, its complicated. No, its really not. When your family wants you to feel like a piece of shit because you outshine them 10-1 they're going to bury you unless you walk away.
Mom, you are more talented, smarter, prettier and more capable than all of them combined. Except for me. I turned out just like my mom. Im gregarious, beautiful and exceptionally talented.
Its not that complicated. Our family is abusive and they hate themselves and the only way you can hang with them is if you're at a dead end job going no where drinking yourself into oblivion and hating yourself too.
Next time Melissa gets all over you about drinking as her what a raging drunk she's turned into. ;)
Anyway, Get on with your life mom. Stop fucking letting them hurt you. Im glad you got all your stuff. You DESERVE to be happy. DONT LOOK BACK. This is YOUR TIME. DON"T FUCKING LOOK BACK. There is nothing for you there. Even if you found it in your heart to forgive them they will never forgive you for being born. I promise you. They made me feel the same way.
I'm done with the whole sick mess. I want nothing to do with it. Im off to find people and family that actually CARE about me. We are moving to Peoria soon where we do have loads of friends and family that do just that. give a shit. We are going to surround ourselves with those kinds of people instead of people that make us feel like we should be okay with taking scraps.
You do the same. NEVER EVER TAKE SCRAPS. You are worth more than that.
Be good to yourself mom. I love you more than you'll ever know. Live your life outlout. Be everything you want to be.
Me, your kid.