Friday, December 7, 2012


should be "learn how to cope or suffer big, scary consequences" for me at least.

I was in the ER this week, again. This time I'm passing out for no apparent reason.

No apparent reason you say?

One of the reasons you get syncope is stress.

Irony: having a big, crazy conversation with your wife about how she doesn't manage her stress levels appropriately and ending up in the hospital with syncope from anxiety.

Bet you can't beat that with a proverbial stick? Heh, would you want to?

Anyway, so lets recap:

I've lost 2 people to death this year. A grandfather and a grandmother. I lost 2 dear pets. I lost 9 plus "friends" and went through some seriously unnecessary drama. Then I went through another round of drama (that was again not necessary) and lost a few more "friends". "" is reserved for the very special of fake friends ;)

Moving on, again.

I was nearly crippled with chronic pain for more than 7 months and before that lived with it for nearly 8 years.

I lost my brother.

I lost my father.

I lost both of my aunts.

Because I love myself more.

Then I got my mom back for a few days after not having talked to her for 4 years and then lost her again too.

I realized that I have crippling anxiety. And I have only come to discover that I am living my life in all the wrong ways. I've been sleeping.

So, the good things that have happened are: I quit smoking. Life-long achievement for me. I've been trying to quit since I started over 20 years ago. Big tick on my headboard for that one.

I have grown closer to my friends and my wife since I've let go of the people that were dulling my shine. Another life-long success.

I eat more cupcakes these days and smile more.

My A1C is a 5.8 and I exercise almost 14 times a week. No kidding! When I quit smoking I needed something to do so I started exercising twice a day! I love it!!

I am saying no more often and yes only when I really want to and I don't care who's feelings I hurt if saying yes or no hurts MY feelings first.

I put myself before anyone or anything else when it counts most of the time and am a selfless partner and a good friend.

I've stopped engaging in destructive friendships and behaviours a lot less. I've gotten rid of 3/4 of the ones that I was aware of. The other 1/4 isn't causing me problems atm so it's not so important to actually "do" something right now.

I am terrified of all the massive changes in my life but also very thankful for them as they are bringing about positive change. Its just everything feels like it's changing at once and wow, what a crazy feeling that is!

Just like when I got my DX for DM (diabetes) it was in that crazy, serendipitous way that ends up being a proverbial blessing in disguise. Now I have to deal with whatever this is.

My first line of defense is to try Rhodiola. Its got a lot of good benefits and the first one being that it lowers cortisol. I do believe that that's my number one problem. They say cortisol contributes to diabetes, obesity and heart disease. I can't agree with something more that wants to help me with that.

The doc wants me to take some sort of lab created drug and I can't do it. I just can't. I swore to myself that I would never take an SSRI again unless it was a MUST. I don't feel like I am quite there yet. Yes, Im sad, yes im scared but Im not there yet.

I did however take the xanax I was given in the hospital for my panic attacks. That is helping quite a bit.

More later.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are gonna do just fine. Keep pushing through and being strong.
You don't need anyone but you to do it.