Monday, December 10, 2012

silver thread

sounds prettier than a shred of skin doesn't it?

It's what I feel like is holding me together right now. I'm afraid that if it tares and it lets go I may never get myself back.

I want to trust that all this unraveling is okay but I gotta be honest and say that I just don't know.

Every time I open my eyes I'm so fucking thankful that I've made it another day. I didn't die of dispair or a broken heart. I just keep bleeding that poison out. It has to be done sometime.

I need this. I deserve this.

I know it's not meant to be easy. I'm alright with that.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified on all accounts.

4th time today that I started to cry. I wont let myself though because I can't seem to recall a day in the last few weeks that I haven't cried.

Enough is enough right?

Every time I touch that black muck I just keep getting sick - I just keep thinking that it's got to end soon. Please, leave me alive when its all done.

Baby's black balloon has been growing in her tummy for some time now and yes, there has been a hole this whole time.

Rotton, black muck that smells of death bubbling just under my eyelids- when I squeeze my eyes my tears fall black down my pale face.

Am I eating enough? Am I getting enough water? I know I'm not really sleeping lately but I can't get a grasp on anything anyway so what does it matter?

Are you afraid that I'm slipping away as you read this? Yea? You're not alone.

But fuck that noise. Momma and Daddy didn't raise a pussy. I will whine and bitch and moan for some attention but I'd just as soon give you a black eye than let you stick your filthy hands up my skirt. I didn't want to wear a goddamn dress anyway. You cut my hair short and put me in ugly glasses and you never taught me how to shave my legs.

I learned how to use a pad on my own.

I did everything on my own.

Momma didn't raise no pussy. She raised a lonely, unwanted, neglected and abused little girl and she's really really pissed off. And no, don't fucking buy me anything. I wont forgive you this time.

I don't blame him for hating you. I hate you too. You did the same thing to him that you did to me.

And all the while we're supposed to keep and choke on this fucking family bullshit. The secret where you abuse us when  you drink and when you don't drink because mommy and daddy hate themselves and we're just supposed to be okay with that.

Fuck you for making me feel bad for asking for what I need. Because of what you did you made me fearful to ask for what I need now. Always being treated like anything and I do mean ANYTHING is more important than what I might desire.

That's alright. I'll get it sorted as they say. And someday I will let MY daughter read all of this and she will understand compltely why I saved her from being raised by this sick fucking bunch of twisted fucks.

finding my happy

I must have cried you out of my system last night because I'm already finding my happy today.

I'm less combative without you.
I'm more assertive.
I definitely put up with less shit. Why should I? It was like I would practice with my friends when you were around to make sure I could still do it. But now I don't have to.
You have taught me so many things. I hope my actions in no longer having you in my life has made you possibly take a look at yourself as well. Some self actualization wouldn't kill you.

My jaw is no longer tense. My blood pressure is so low I'm eating pickles for breakfast just to get it to come back up to normal.

I gave you too many of my years as it was. You don't care about yourself enough to do anything about your shit but I do.

This is me, moving on.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

a million tears

could be cried and it would never make up for the way that I have taken out my pain onto you.

I am doing this for us. We wont make it another 10 years if I stay here in this space. We just wont. It's too much for me and way too much for you. It will kill us.

You have been the only thing that I have ever truly loved, cherished and adored. You are the only thing that I love, cherish and adore.

I don't deserve you. All your patience and understanding.

I certainly didn't deserve the last 10 years of letting you watch me destroy myself trying to find a tiny crack to fit into with my family.

I wont overuse this word too much but I am sorry. I am sorrier than anyone could ever be.

And you, beautiful you, kind you, gorgeous you with your sexy little freckles and warm green eyes that always smile at me: you are the only thing in this whole world that makes ANY sense to me.

You make me see my value. YOu forced me to see myself the way you do and when I did I knew that there was going to be an epic battle.

I'm trying so hard to do this on my own and not lean on you  right now but you have to know that I am broken into a million pieces and I don't want you to be scared to see me that way because sometimes we have to break completely before we can really be okay.

And I feel that way ya know? I feel like I've been on the verge of shattering for 10 years and finally .. god finally its happening. Fuck fuck fuck god fuck I need this. I just need to be HUMAN and SCREAM and FUCK IT FUCKING HURTS.

Please don't be scared. You don't have to watch it. But you might sometimes catch me breaking. I can't hide it anymore.

Before you know it you will look up at me and you will see a little gray eyed girl that is smiling at you all over again. I may be crying still but the smile will be real,  I promise you I wont break forever.

We are going to be the best us that we've ever been after this. It will be worth it. I want you to have the best of me. The very very best of me and this is really the only way to do it.

Everything is changing - everything. And before long this hill that I've been running up will turn into a nice flat place for us to find a good balance again.

All I've ever wanted was to carve out a life with you - a beautiful life full of love and joy. We deserve that. You, my sweet love with the best heart I've ever known, deserves that.

I love you


shiny things...

Excited about this new life that lay in front of me nothing is known and everything new.

Sad that I can't take you with me. the weight of you overcomes the power of me.

candle candle burning bright. i wish you all the love in the world.

Have the best Holiday ever. I will! And we knew each other once and you will remember me when .. and right now it makes you cry like it does me. But someday you will smile. I promise you.

My Christmas will be  graveyard this year. I'm decorating the headstones and singing in the cold. It's snowing and my Raven is sitting with me. My tears are turning to ice but I am smiling because this is the last Christmas that I will mourn the loss of someone you expect me to be.

And when it's over I will wrap myself up warm, pull my arms around myself and turn and smile to you - Bye is all I will say and I will go. I hope you were there with me to see that girl die - she will stay with you in your heart forever and I will take with me the girl that deserves to live!

We are better apart than we are anything. I know you'll cry and you'll hate me and you're to curse me I'm sure. Do you really think I have never cursed you? I don't even bother to do it under my breath anymore. lol

And then it will be like any other day someday and everything will be okay. I will have finally shed this skin - probably literally because without you, all of you, I wont have an excuse to hide behind all of this weight I carry with me.

Fly blackbird, Fly.

I do love you, you know. All of you. I just love me more. And I don't belong there. You've always known that. That's why you tried to get rid of me.  But I always came back like a bad penny didn't I ?

No worries. I wont be back. You need to move on as much as I do. All I do is cause you to remember.

We failed and that's okay. Sometimes it happens.

Be happy. Be free. Be good to yourself.

I Need this. I need this so much. I deserve this. And while you don't understand yet, you need this too. Be with your people. They act like you expect them to. And be away from me, the one that is always sourly disappointed. Your people make you happy. Your family makes your heart full. They empty me until I am a void.

We don't fit.

I need this. And I am doing this. Nothing will stop me. I deserve this.

You always did say I was selfish. I wanted you to approve of one thing I did: Take care of selfish little me.

Friday, December 7, 2012


we were there for you when you asked us, sometimes when you didn't.
I drove 40 miles a day one way to keep you company when you were in the hospital.
I slept over at your house on the couch when you had pneumonia.
I kept you company when everyone else wouldn't come around for whatever reason.
I was consistently a good friend.
You were consistently a fence sitter.
And I know why you haven't called me or tried to contact me in any way: You chose.

You chose them over us.

I always knew that when it came down to it you would.

I chose too.

Me over you.

Family will always be there for you you say? Really?

I'm still trying to figure out when they've been there for me when I've REALLY needed them in my whole 39 years.

I figure at this point if that hasn't happened yet...

just remember you walked away. not me. you chose this. And there wont be an option to "un choose".

Honestly its a relief. You chose L and M to hang around and then you would spew that negative bullshit into my life. You wanted me to be your creative, positive, smart and funny spot but you misused me.

But listen, no hard feelings. Just fuck off.


should be "learn how to cope or suffer big, scary consequences" for me at least.

I was in the ER this week, again. This time I'm passing out for no apparent reason.

No apparent reason you say?

One of the reasons you get syncope is stress.

Irony: having a big, crazy conversation with your wife about how she doesn't manage her stress levels appropriately and ending up in the hospital with syncope from anxiety.

Bet you can't beat that with a proverbial stick? Heh, would you want to?

Anyway, so lets recap:

I've lost 2 people to death this year. A grandfather and a grandmother. I lost 2 dear pets. I lost 9 plus "friends" and went through some seriously unnecessary drama. Then I went through another round of drama (that was again not necessary) and lost a few more "friends". "" is reserved for the very special of fake friends ;)

Moving on, again.

I was nearly crippled with chronic pain for more than 7 months and before that lived with it for nearly 8 years.

I lost my brother.

I lost my father.

I lost both of my aunts.

Because I love myself more.

Then I got my mom back for a few days after not having talked to her for 4 years and then lost her again too.

I realized that I have crippling anxiety. And I have only come to discover that I am living my life in all the wrong ways. I've been sleeping.

So, the good things that have happened are: I quit smoking. Life-long achievement for me. I've been trying to quit since I started over 20 years ago. Big tick on my headboard for that one.

I have grown closer to my friends and my wife since I've let go of the people that were dulling my shine. Another life-long success.

I eat more cupcakes these days and smile more.

My A1C is a 5.8 and I exercise almost 14 times a week. No kidding! When I quit smoking I needed something to do so I started exercising twice a day! I love it!!

I am saying no more often and yes only when I really want to and I don't care who's feelings I hurt if saying yes or no hurts MY feelings first.

I put myself before anyone or anything else when it counts most of the time and am a selfless partner and a good friend.

I've stopped engaging in destructive friendships and behaviours a lot less. I've gotten rid of 3/4 of the ones that I was aware of. The other 1/4 isn't causing me problems atm so it's not so important to actually "do" something right now.

I am terrified of all the massive changes in my life but also very thankful for them as they are bringing about positive change. Its just everything feels like it's changing at once and wow, what a crazy feeling that is!

Just like when I got my DX for DM (diabetes) it was in that crazy, serendipitous way that ends up being a proverbial blessing in disguise. Now I have to deal with whatever this is.

My first line of defense is to try Rhodiola. Its got a lot of good benefits and the first one being that it lowers cortisol. I do believe that that's my number one problem. They say cortisol contributes to diabetes, obesity and heart disease. I can't agree with something more that wants to help me with that.

The doc wants me to take some sort of lab created drug and I can't do it. I just can't. I swore to myself that I would never take an SSRI again unless it was a MUST. I don't feel like I am quite there yet. Yes, Im sad, yes im scared but Im not there yet.

I did however take the xanax I was given in the hospital for my panic attacks. That is helping quite a bit.

More later.