Sunday, October 21, 2012

a million pieces...

my father is a lost man. A very sad, very lost man that stopped his emotional growth when he was about 17 methinks.

when I came out to him he didn't want to hear it, it was "disgusting". Now? He has two best friends, Rosie and Kelly and they are lesbians. Did he ever apologize to me for tell me I was disgusting? No, no way. We long since forgot that.

My father had a habit of beating the shit out of me randomly when he lost his temper - this stopped when I was about 16 when I grabbed him by the throat and threw him to the ground; knee on chest and my fist ready to plow into his face I said politely "we, you and me, wont be doing this anymore because Im big enough to fight back now so we, you and me, wont be putting our hands on one another or I'm going to fucking kill you". Strangely we were on the same page from that day on.

Sometimes getting beat up is better than the emotional stuff because bruises fade a lot faster. He loved to torment me about being heavy.

My father is an asshat of the highest order and I so wanted to forgive him and be able to try to be friends as adults. I was never going to get a call from my dearest daddy and I knew that so I called. We set up a date to have dinner and we were well on our way to trying on this new friendship a few years back.

Things were stressed and strained and over time the guilt of being a horrific human being wore off for him or I guess he thought that he paid himself off with gifts because he became a low-life again really fast.

My brothers wedding was approaching and I was having a hard time communicating that the family wanted seperate seating from my mom (another long story) to my brother's fiance' at the time (yea they got married, it was so sad) and she went whining to my father Im guessing that I wasn't going to the wedding because soon after I get this delicious little phone call that ulitimately let me off the hook with my dad.

See, I sorta came to really just dislike my dad a lot but I was in it a little too deep just to say "Been real, thanks for the mem's dad, ciao!" ya know? I mean yea, he's my dad and all but he's just kinda really stupid and immature and a HUGE pompas ass and I always had to bite my tongue off when we spoke and he LOVED to remind me that I was indeed STILL fatter than he'd like ;)

So really he did me a favor when he told me that 'anyone that decided not to go to Ryan's wedding would lose my love and respect, if you catch my drift'??

10-4 good buddy - Im hearing you LOUD and clear.

The email that proceeded the conversation was pretty freeing. Basically I told daddy that his days of bullying me and pushing me into a corner or withholding affection or love were over a long time ago and shame on him for trying and shame on me for letting him. And oh, Fuck off. Lose my number.

yea, well its not my fault that he's not bright enough to understand that the rope he walked with me was a VERY VERY short one to begin with and it also wasn't his fault that I just hadn't forgiven him.

When my brother bought at BMW at 25 it cropped up about 102432834 million feelings of hatred for my father because at 25 I HAD NO CREDIT because my dear father had put 250,000 worth of medical bills into my name at 20 - bills that were his responsibility - bills that he could have EASILY written into his bankruptsy just a short 3 months later. So I was bit bitter when my brother, the lazy spoonfed titty baby that he was was buying a BMW at 25. That was par for the course- it really was. He'd never really had anything to overcome. Daddy made sure of that. Even his most recent DUI daddy took care of. How many DUI's have I had you ask? hang on.. let me think.. Oh that's right!! None. :)

Whatever its not a comparison game - not really.

But my daddy gave me a guitar as a big, public gesture for my birthday one year (one year after we started talking) and to begin with it was way too big for a girl with big boobs like myself. I made it work anyway - and it had blood all over it - it was supposed to heal all of my wounds and make me forget. I didn't I can't I wont.

My father's latest stunts sickened me in a way that I don't have words for and I lived with that hurt for about a month before I picked up my guitar one night and smashed it into a million pieces.

Man, do I feel better. :)


Marci said...

I am digging this raw emotion pouring from you. Keep it flowing babe!

Anonymous said...

I did that with the clock my parents gave me for my wedding. Long story. I stared at it for a couple of years and one day it just happened to end up in pieces. So. Freeing.