Monday, December 10, 2012

silver thread

sounds prettier than a shred of skin doesn't it?

It's what I feel like is holding me together right now. I'm afraid that if it tares and it lets go I may never get myself back.

I want to trust that all this unraveling is okay but I gotta be honest and say that I just don't know.

Every time I open my eyes I'm so fucking thankful that I've made it another day. I didn't die of dispair or a broken heart. I just keep bleeding that poison out. It has to be done sometime.

I need this. I deserve this.

I know it's not meant to be easy. I'm alright with that.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified on all accounts.

4th time today that I started to cry. I wont let myself though because I can't seem to recall a day in the last few weeks that I haven't cried.

Enough is enough right?

Every time I touch that black muck I just keep getting sick - I just keep thinking that it's got to end soon. Please, leave me alive when its all done.

Baby's black balloon has been growing in her tummy for some time now and yes, there has been a hole this whole time.

Rotton, black muck that smells of death bubbling just under my eyelids- when I squeeze my eyes my tears fall black down my pale face.

Am I eating enough? Am I getting enough water? I know I'm not really sleeping lately but I can't get a grasp on anything anyway so what does it matter?

Are you afraid that I'm slipping away as you read this? Yea? You're not alone.

But fuck that noise. Momma and Daddy didn't raise a pussy. I will whine and bitch and moan for some attention but I'd just as soon give you a black eye than let you stick your filthy hands up my skirt. I didn't want to wear a goddamn dress anyway. You cut my hair short and put me in ugly glasses and you never taught me how to shave my legs.

I learned how to use a pad on my own.

I did everything on my own.

Momma didn't raise no pussy. She raised a lonely, unwanted, neglected and abused little girl and she's really really pissed off. And no, don't fucking buy me anything. I wont forgive you this time.

I don't blame him for hating you. I hate you too. You did the same thing to him that you did to me.

And all the while we're supposed to keep and choke on this fucking family bullshit. The secret where you abuse us when  you drink and when you don't drink because mommy and daddy hate themselves and we're just supposed to be okay with that.

Fuck you for making me feel bad for asking for what I need. Because of what you did you made me fearful to ask for what I need now. Always being treated like anything and I do mean ANYTHING is more important than what I might desire.

That's alright. I'll get it sorted as they say. And someday I will let MY daughter read all of this and she will understand compltely why I saved her from being raised by this sick fucking bunch of twisted fucks.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You have got to look toward the future Payton.
Bury them in the past. Cut the cord. Be happy with you. The new you.