Sunday, January 6, 2013

Three months

I celebrated 3 months of not smoking yesterday. Didn't make a big deal out of it just reminded Marci and she and I said yay and it was over.

Just glad for my ever improving health and stamina.

Where yesterday should have been a nice, celebratory day it ended up being a nightmare for me. I had one panic attack after the other.

I've been wracking my brains since they started to try and figure out why or what triggered them but I'm pretty much still in the dark. My only substantial guess is I had a hard pain in the chest and things went to shit for the next 24 hours. It's like something fearful triggers them off and you're fucked in a cycle of rolling attacks.

I feel better this morning and I owe that to a lot of xanax and chamomile tea. I couldn't believe I was having panic attacks through double the dose of my normal xanax. So fucking wild.

Marci and I were chatting off and on and we discovered that I was thinking about my family a lot and still mourning that loss. Of course I am. But I'm sure that wasn't the only reason I was panicking. Anxiety is a nasty, ugly beast and sometimes I have no clue what's going on.

But aside from that I am feeling better. I have been healing and things are getting so much better than they were. The closeness that I was looking for in my other relationships is starting to happen and I just feel lighter and healthier.

Out of all the people that I think about I miss my mom the most. I so desperately want to find a way to be friends with her but I know I can't. And not because we couldn't figure it out or there's something wrong with her - no, it's definitely me. I don't trust her and quite honestly the stress of having her in my life and knowing what kind of power she has over me is too much for me to handle. I loved talking to her for the 4 days that we did but it was making me a mess. Out of all the people in my life that have caused me the most harm she is the number 1 offender.

So it's not so much learning how to get on with my life without these people because I never really "had" any of them. I wasn't truly close with any of them. I can admit that I was never going to let any of them in - No, the learning to live without a tribe of people that I've never really known is so not the issue. The issue is learning how to live without that abuse.

I know reader, I'm sure that's really hard for you to understand; Payton what the HELL are you talking about? Why do you want to be abused? Need it even?

I don't WANT it but sometimes I do feel like I need it. It's as much a habit as chewing your nails or messing with your hair with you're nervous. It just becomes a part of you. The abuse and bad treatment didn't start a week ago. It's been a lifetime.

But all of that aside - I will figure out how to do that and it will be alright in the long run, I have an amazing wife that will support me in anything that I need - I am proud of myself. Have I said that yet? I don't want to sit here and ruin the moment and tell you how hard it was because I'm more humble than that but I'm proud of myself for trying to make big changes so I don't have to walk around with "fuck me over" on my forehead anymore.

When you let people, family, lovers treat you like shit (yes, I know you told them 100 times that you deserve better but what did you do about it? I'll bet that you might have just let it go because that's just who they are right? And all that self hatred gets all over you and it gets into everything you do. It leaks like ink into your eyes darkening your shine and it gets into your soul making the bright spots dull. You said no but you didn't really mean it because you're still letting them treat you like a second class citizen.) it stains you. And just as you've washed and scrubbed that ugly *fuckmeover* ink off your skin they do it again. You wear it like a trophy for the world to see and being that we're primal animals we can smell it on one another. We only respect what deserves or has earned respect and someone that lets people that they love use their face as a doormat doesn't get a lot of respect in life. I wore my shameful ink until I couldn't anymore. I've washed it off for the last time. If I decide to wear ink it will be by my doing.

And that's not all - I've done so much good work in the way of my health and taking care of myself. Accomplishments that would go overlooked by them. Too jealous ? I have no idea why you wouldn't be happy for someone that quit smoking, lost a ton of weight, continues to struggle every day against her illness and for the most part succeeds? Do you? The only thing I can assume is that it makes them jealous to see me rise out of my muck and do better since they're so complacent in their own lives? Content to live with their demons day after day and not convinced of their worth so they just live in misery? I ask everything as a question because I honestly don't know. Or the last and most painful assumption that I can make and have made for most of my life is that they just don't give two fucks about me. Either way, I'm still winning.

My self esteem has gone up about 1000 points (how do you rate self esteem anyway?) since I had the courage to stand up for myself and just walk away. Painful, freeing, cathartic.

And what I'm left with now is all the good feelings that I have for my life - I wont always mourn this way or miss the abuse probably and if I do I will find a appropriate way to deal with it.

Christmas was so peaceful. So was the New Year. I didn't walk away from either celebration and hang my head in shame for the way that these people who call themselves my "supportive family" treated me. I no longer feel ashamed to be alive because I have no one in my life that makes me feel that way.

Don't get it twisted - I don't consider those people my family anymore. I'm already letting people into my life to fill the cracks that they used to be in and those people fit a lot better than the imposters ever did.

"Family will be there for you when no one else will" - Good old aunt melissa.

"Everyone else has been there for me when my family hasn't been which has been 99% of the time. "Family" has failed me time and time and time again. "Family" isn't for me the people you're related to. "Family" are the people that treat me better than the people that I'm related to." - Payton jett

I'm not angry. I'm just done. When I'm no longer angry about something that means that I'm pretty much just over you.

I'm over you. I've moved on to things I can count on and invest in.



Sandy said...

Well said, PJ. And the anxiety? It often hits when you're at your most relaxed simply because it can. And soon it won't have any more hold over you than the "family" does, and you'll be truly free. Big ((hugs)), Sandy

Anonymous said...

Rock on! Well said! Yes!

Anonymous said...

Proud of you