Sunday, February 17, 2013

polar bears...

an eerie silence washed over me
where once the voices of my ancestors spoke to me, had gone 
I wonder what grandpa would think of that country music singer that took her life
he probably listened to her. He loved Dolly. 

have you ever stood outside at night just after a gorgeous thick wet snow fall and listened? 
The silence may strike you- as it has done me so many times. The silence is beautiful and raw and frightening... 

And you find yourself saving up conversations and things to talk about in your head for next... 

And then it hits you - softly at first but sometimes hard

and it can't just be over can it? *shrugs* I guess it can. 

And I still struggle to find meaning in some of it - most of it. I stick my fingers into small spaces inside my heart, I am 6 again playing with Star Wars action figures with jeremy and michelle. I idolize Michelle. She's so clever and smart! Im just happy to be with them both and we always had great adventures. 

Time would go by and we would lose contact until the day we got to play in the river at the creek in the rocks and the fun we had.. 

and I miss them too. I wonder about them all the time. 

I turned away from everyone and anyone that was told lies until who I was became irrelevant anymore. It was only the person she told you I was that mattered. I didn't matter. 

I am still waking away from anything that listens to a story of me and doesn't bother to get to know the real me- And I wont try to convince you so I hope you don't get it wrong because I don't have any threshold for this kind of thing. And I wont apologize and Im not sorry. 

Every day I find myself but every day I lose myself too. The veneer is all but gone and what is left is this tender pink skin that still longs for the voices of her ancestors but holds her head high and privately wants to make them proud of her. 

And alone I walk with her and my familiar and through the places where they have sad stories and happy ones too and I read the words sometimes but not all the time sometimes its all I can do to listen to the noise in my head the one where i slowly climb into my tree and from the very top I can see it all but I am too dizzy and too scared to climb down. 

And I know she will take my  hand and all I have to do is ask her to and I do and I will but this isn't her burdon. It's mine and I will carry it. She has her own. We both want to carry each others because the love I have and she has is big and strong and will always carry us both no matter what kind of river we have to float down - but no. This is mine. And that is yours. But I do love you. So very much. 

And someday I will learn not to care about the ones that sheild their eyes as they crave and lick their lips at what was once a blank canvass and now their only hearts desire and you can draw in their hate too if you want - they wont see it and when they look at it they will hate it and love it and some may recognize themselves but most wont. Its okay. But you don't have to care about that but you do because it is who you are and always will be. 

I plunge my fingers into the earth and that's where I leave it. From my pain things grow and I eat and she eats and we love and live and create and dream. We try and do and scream and cry. We exist. We thrive. 

I am here standing and though I am really waiting Im not. Im just moving so slowly right now no one can actually see me but what I could say is take a picture because if you came back in a week you will see that I have moved if you look at it but you left it at home but why did you come? 

I am little red riding hood. I am the wolf. I am grandma and I am the woods. I am you and I am me. Its one gigantic tangle and we're all a part of it. 

My red hood stays slipped over my eyes and snugged down my chin tucked to my chest for now. 

Chrysalis hides my true identity and you guess to see what I may become. You will have to pay attention because there will be no big announcement when my wings are dry - you will just have to search the meadow for me. Will I be there still? 

I crave no fanfare and I too often shy away from a lot of attention and that's ironic and hard for me as I know I am meant to be in the spotlight so I am trying to learn to live under those bright lights without letting the weight of how you see me crush my beautiful wings. I did wait a very long time to see what color they were - Im not ready to give them up just yet. Besides, you have your own. 

Someone had helped me put myself back together but the parts were all wrong and things were sadly stuck in all the wrong places and that's the way things have been - All these people that said they cared but not really and tried to help but didn't know how to really but I forgave them but I had to take all my parts back and just move along until the next.. and the next.. well you get what happened and then one day when I laid down all my parts she inspected each one carefully and then looked at me before she tried to stick a piece back on and said "everything here is in the wrong place, lets take this all apart and do it right this time" and I found love in her kind eyes that day. The kind of love that lasts well so far 10 years... and I can let you know how the rest goes.. 

Bees and honey and sticky sweet smells from the garden we've built together was only the beginning. The rest was up to me. I had to break myself again and again and move parts around so I could understand and recognize real love and real friendship when it did  happen to come along instead of accepting all these lies and these slight of hands and I always walked away with a lot less then I ever came to the party with - and why was that again? Oh, I was gullible and easily fooled. I remember now. 

Naive smiles couple with over enthusiastic desire to dump all my crayons out at the first person that offered me a spot next to them to color. I've never changed. I'm still that way and every time not just sometimes  but every single time Im just so ready to give my whole heart.

I dont know when and I dont know how but soon I think I will be ready to have that open and ready heart again but right now I am in the longest self preservation stage I've ever been in - Ever. 

I've done a lot of work to weed out the ones that I shouldn't be playing with now I just have to figure out who and why I am going to lay on the floor with a color. Again. 

Im never too far away from that girl that loved barbies and riding her bicycle and that wont ever change  I wont ever truly change and Im glad for that. glad for that little girl that is fun and always wants to play and lives to make you laugh and smile. 

I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like but I know right now and right now Im just trying desperately to gain some momentum without breaking apart again. I've needed to break apart for so long now and I finally found the courage to do that and I don't know that I could do it again if I wanted to. Once in a lifetime ordeal this is and I have spent my whole life teetering right on the edge of this. I can't begin to explain the relief when it just happened. It must be easy for you to think about - just lose your mind and break apart and turn yourself inside out and then pick up all the pieces and put them back in the right order. Sounds perfect and simple really - but in reality its about as easy as breaking 84 plates to nearly dust and then trying to find all the pieces to all the right plates again and hurry because we want soup on one of those plates - we're hungry come on with it already... the world doesn't wait for you to fucking fall apart.. it just needs you to be okay and play your part. 

So, soup it is off of broken plates. Guaranteed to leak ;) 

because come spring the ice and snow that has kept you inside of yourself will melt setting you free again.. 

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