we were there for you when you asked us, sometimes when you didn't.
I drove 40 miles a day one way to keep you company when you were in the hospital.
I slept over at your house on the couch when you had pneumonia.
I kept you company when everyone else wouldn't come around for whatever reason.
I was consistently a good friend.
You were consistently a fence sitter.
And I know why you haven't called me or tried to contact me in any way: You chose.
You chose them over us.
I always knew that when it came down to it you would.
I chose too.
Me over you.
Family will always be there for you you say? Really?
I'm still trying to figure out when they've been there for me when I've REALLY needed them in my whole 39 years.
I figure at this point if that hasn't happened yet...
just remember you walked away. not me. you chose this. And there wont be an option to "un choose".
Honestly its a relief. You chose L and M to hang around and then you would spew that negative bullshit into my life. You wanted me to be your creative, positive, smart and funny spot but you misused me.
But listen, no hard feelings. Just fuck off.
Friday, December 7, 2012
syncope
should be "learn how to cope or suffer big, scary consequences" for me at least.
I was in the ER this week, again. This time I'm passing out for no apparent reason.
No apparent reason you say?
One of the reasons you get syncope is stress.
Irony: having a big, crazy conversation with your wife about how she doesn't manage her stress levels appropriately and ending up in the hospital with syncope from anxiety.
Bet you can't beat that with a proverbial stick? Heh, would you want to?
Anyway, so lets recap:
I've lost 2 people to death this year. A grandfather and a grandmother. I lost 2 dear pets. I lost 9 plus "friends" and went through some seriously unnecessary drama. Then I went through another round of drama (that was again not necessary) and lost a few more "friends". "" is reserved for the very special of fake friends ;)
Moving on, again.
I was nearly crippled with chronic pain for more than 7 months and before that lived with it for nearly 8 years.
I lost my brother.
I lost my father.
I lost both of my aunts.
Because I love myself more.
Then I got my mom back for a few days after not having talked to her for 4 years and then lost her again too.
I realized that I have crippling anxiety. And I have only come to discover that I am living my life in all the wrong ways. I've been sleeping.
So, the good things that have happened are: I quit smoking. Life-long achievement for me. I've been trying to quit since I started over 20 years ago. Big tick on my headboard for that one.
I have grown closer to my friends and my wife since I've let go of the people that were dulling my shine. Another life-long success.
I eat more cupcakes these days and smile more.
My A1C is a 5.8 and I exercise almost 14 times a week. No kidding! When I quit smoking I needed something to do so I started exercising twice a day! I love it!!
I am saying no more often and yes only when I really want to and I don't care who's feelings I hurt if saying yes or no hurts MY feelings first.
I put myself before anyone or anything else when it counts most of the time and am a selfless partner and a good friend.
I've stopped engaging in destructive friendships and behaviours a lot less. I've gotten rid of 3/4 of the ones that I was aware of. The other 1/4 isn't causing me problems atm so it's not so important to actually "do" something right now.
I am terrified of all the massive changes in my life but also very thankful for them as they are bringing about positive change. Its just everything feels like it's changing at once and wow, what a crazy feeling that is!
Just like when I got my DX for DM (diabetes) it was in that crazy, serendipitous way that ends up being a proverbial blessing in disguise. Now I have to deal with whatever this is.
My first line of defense is to try Rhodiola. Its got a lot of good benefits and the first one being that it lowers cortisol. I do believe that that's my number one problem. They say cortisol contributes to diabetes, obesity and heart disease. I can't agree with something more that wants to help me with that.
The doc wants me to take some sort of lab created drug and I can't do it. I just can't. I swore to myself that I would never take an SSRI again unless it was a MUST. I don't feel like I am quite there yet. Yes, Im sad, yes im scared but Im not there yet.
I did however take the xanax I was given in the hospital for my panic attacks. That is helping quite a bit.
More later.
I was in the ER this week, again. This time I'm passing out for no apparent reason.
No apparent reason you say?
One of the reasons you get syncope is stress.
Irony: having a big, crazy conversation with your wife about how she doesn't manage her stress levels appropriately and ending up in the hospital with syncope from anxiety.
Bet you can't beat that with a proverbial stick? Heh, would you want to?
Anyway, so lets recap:
I've lost 2 people to death this year. A grandfather and a grandmother. I lost 2 dear pets. I lost 9 plus "friends" and went through some seriously unnecessary drama. Then I went through another round of drama (that was again not necessary) and lost a few more "friends". "" is reserved for the very special of fake friends ;)
Moving on, again.
I was nearly crippled with chronic pain for more than 7 months and before that lived with it for nearly 8 years.
I lost my brother.
I lost my father.
I lost both of my aunts.
Because I love myself more.
Then I got my mom back for a few days after not having talked to her for 4 years and then lost her again too.
I realized that I have crippling anxiety. And I have only come to discover that I am living my life in all the wrong ways. I've been sleeping.
So, the good things that have happened are: I quit smoking. Life-long achievement for me. I've been trying to quit since I started over 20 years ago. Big tick on my headboard for that one.
I have grown closer to my friends and my wife since I've let go of the people that were dulling my shine. Another life-long success.
I eat more cupcakes these days and smile more.
My A1C is a 5.8 and I exercise almost 14 times a week. No kidding! When I quit smoking I needed something to do so I started exercising twice a day! I love it!!
I am saying no more often and yes only when I really want to and I don't care who's feelings I hurt if saying yes or no hurts MY feelings first.
I put myself before anyone or anything else when it counts most of the time and am a selfless partner and a good friend.
I've stopped engaging in destructive friendships and behaviours a lot less. I've gotten rid of 3/4 of the ones that I was aware of. The other 1/4 isn't causing me problems atm so it's not so important to actually "do" something right now.
I am terrified of all the massive changes in my life but also very thankful for them as they are bringing about positive change. Its just everything feels like it's changing at once and wow, what a crazy feeling that is!
Just like when I got my DX for DM (diabetes) it was in that crazy, serendipitous way that ends up being a proverbial blessing in disguise. Now I have to deal with whatever this is.
My first line of defense is to try Rhodiola. Its got a lot of good benefits and the first one being that it lowers cortisol. I do believe that that's my number one problem. They say cortisol contributes to diabetes, obesity and heart disease. I can't agree with something more that wants to help me with that.
The doc wants me to take some sort of lab created drug and I can't do it. I just can't. I swore to myself that I would never take an SSRI again unless it was a MUST. I don't feel like I am quite there yet. Yes, Im sad, yes im scared but Im not there yet.
I did however take the xanax I was given in the hospital for my panic attacks. That is helping quite a bit.
More later.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Scars
My left arm is riddled with scars. My 13 year old self decided that she was going to kick start this skin mosaic by carving the name of the boy she was "seeing" into her arm. Henley was his last name. Why did I chose his last name? I don't know.
Anyway that was the beginning of a long, 13 year affair with the blade and the end result is a tapestry of pain and pleasure.
I had many reasons why I cut - sometimes it was for attention. Most of the time it was to relieve some bigger emotional pain I was too immature or too scared to face.
And sometimes it was just to prove that I was indeed a living, bleeding, breathing human being and not a "kick me all over" barbie.
I was the master of cutting and hiding. Sometimes I would just slice here and there lightly for a "fix". I just needed to see red.
Sometimes when the pain was way too much to overcome I would cut deep and erratically.
Most of the time I needed the pain to survive. Not the pain of cutting because have you actually cut yourself with a razor? Did it really hurt all that bad? No, not really huh?
My red, swollen and raw arm that rubbed against my sleeve was enough pain to get me through the day. As it healed the emotional pain seeped in so I would cut over the healing cuts and start the pain all over again. Sometimes I would cut every few days for months.
Today I have been self harm-free for 14 years. Soon, I will write a poem that I will have tattooed onto my scarred arm along with some cool art, of course.
Tomorrow I will explain more to you about where I have been and what I have been going through. I owe you at least that.
Namaste
Anyway that was the beginning of a long, 13 year affair with the blade and the end result is a tapestry of pain and pleasure.
I had many reasons why I cut - sometimes it was for attention. Most of the time it was to relieve some bigger emotional pain I was too immature or too scared to face.
And sometimes it was just to prove that I was indeed a living, bleeding, breathing human being and not a "kick me all over" barbie.
I was the master of cutting and hiding. Sometimes I would just slice here and there lightly for a "fix". I just needed to see red.
Sometimes when the pain was way too much to overcome I would cut deep and erratically.
Most of the time I needed the pain to survive. Not the pain of cutting because have you actually cut yourself with a razor? Did it really hurt all that bad? No, not really huh?
My red, swollen and raw arm that rubbed against my sleeve was enough pain to get me through the day. As it healed the emotional pain seeped in so I would cut over the healing cuts and start the pain all over again. Sometimes I would cut every few days for months.
Today I have been self harm-free for 14 years. Soon, I will write a poem that I will have tattooed onto my scarred arm along with some cool art, of course.
Tomorrow I will explain more to you about where I have been and what I have been going through. I owe you at least that.
Namaste
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Dear, Mom.
Hey, I just wanted to tell you a few things.
Firstly, there's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I know you don't understand why I walked away and you probably hate me for it and that's okay. I can't change what's happened. But I do think about you a lot.
Secondly, and this is a BIG and IMPORTANT secondly, Im sitting here trying to figure out a way to say to you that so much of what you've been through because of your sisters and our family was so unfortunate. Those are NOT the words I was looking for but I'm going to keep trying - Im glad things went the way they did. You stepped back out of the family and things got weird and different and for the first time I was able to see everyone for who they are and mom you were right about everyone just about.
I made this big attempt to be friends with my dad and he turned out to be such a looser. To boot? He's a bit retarded emotionally and acts about 17 most of the time. He's really weird and awkward and just downright bizarre. A day never went by when he didn't remind me that I was still too heavy for him to love.. And he definitely tried to buy my forgiveness. Sadly, it didn't work. Well, some shit went down and I called it quits. It was like being back in hich school with him all over again. Worse actually. Some of the shit he would tell me about stuff - it was just insane. And he's incredibly two faced. Oh, and a big liar. So, learned my lesson there. I had to find out for myself though. Anyway we dont' talk anymore and I no longer feel like I want to kill myself on a daily basis. That's good.
Melissa. She's a classact. lol She's really angry and bitter and nasty to the enth degree. And, she's not even worth talking about. But I will say this much, you and I ? We will never be anything but stepchildren to her. She's a living breathing Walter. She's not worth investing into.
Dema. Dema means well but Dema is two faced and manipulative. She's also a fence sitter and for those kinds of people I always say: If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for everything. I just recently learned that via Melissa's stupidity that Dema tells her everything I talk to her about in private. Now why would she tell Melissa my private business? I can't stand Melissa?
Moral of the story here is you are the smart one. You got out. You weren't rejected mom- you made the right choice. I hope you never go back.
Now that I'm free (yea I sorta just walked away from the family too) I don't feel the need to darken my light or be less than I actually am. I feel free. Actually free. No more of me investing into people that don't give two fucks about me. I could tell you some real horror stories but Im sure you've got me beat with your own.
Point is? You're not this terrible piece of shit that everyone wants you to think that you are. They tried to do that to me too. Difference was? I didn't let them convince me or beat me down. But they tried! Oh, did they try! Head games and so much bullshit you couldnt swim out of it.
People tell me all the time well ya know family, its complicated. No, its really not. When your family wants you to feel like a piece of shit because you outshine them 10-1 they're going to bury you unless you walk away.
Mom, you are more talented, smarter, prettier and more capable than all of them combined. Except for me. I turned out just like my mom. Im gregarious, beautiful and exceptionally talented.
Its not that complicated. Our family is abusive and they hate themselves and the only way you can hang with them is if you're at a dead end job going no where drinking yourself into oblivion and hating yourself too.
Next time Melissa gets all over you about drinking as her what a raging drunk she's turned into. ;)
Anyway, Get on with your life mom. Stop fucking letting them hurt you. Im glad you got all your stuff. You DESERVE to be happy. DONT LOOK BACK. This is YOUR TIME. DON"T FUCKING LOOK BACK. There is nothing for you there. Even if you found it in your heart to forgive them they will never forgive you for being born. I promise you. They made me feel the same way.
I'm done with the whole sick mess. I want nothing to do with it. Im off to find people and family that actually CARE about me. We are moving to Peoria soon where we do have loads of friends and family that do just that. give a shit. We are going to surround ourselves with those kinds of people instead of people that make us feel like we should be okay with taking scraps.
You do the same. NEVER EVER TAKE SCRAPS. You are worth more than that.
Be good to yourself mom. I love you more than you'll ever know. Live your life outlout. Be everything you want to be.
Me, your kid.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
a million pieces...
my father is a lost man. A very sad, very lost man that stopped his emotional growth when he was about 17 methinks.
when I came out to him he didn't want to hear it, it was "disgusting". Now? He has two best friends, Rosie and Kelly and they are lesbians. Did he ever apologize to me for tell me I was disgusting? No, no way. We long since forgot that.
My father had a habit of beating the shit out of me randomly when he lost his temper - this stopped when I was about 16 when I grabbed him by the throat and threw him to the ground; knee on chest and my fist ready to plow into his face I said politely "we, you and me, wont be doing this anymore because Im big enough to fight back now so we, you and me, wont be putting our hands on one another or I'm going to fucking kill you". Strangely we were on the same page from that day on.
Sometimes getting beat up is better than the emotional stuff because bruises fade a lot faster. He loved to torment me about being heavy.
My father is an asshat of the highest order and I so wanted to forgive him and be able to try to be friends as adults. I was never going to get a call from my dearest daddy and I knew that so I called. We set up a date to have dinner and we were well on our way to trying on this new friendship a few years back.
Things were stressed and strained and over time the guilt of being a horrific human being wore off for him or I guess he thought that he paid himself off with gifts because he became a low-life again really fast.
My brothers wedding was approaching and I was having a hard time communicating that the family wanted seperate seating from my mom (another long story) to my brother's fiance' at the time (yea they got married, it was so sad) and she went whining to my father Im guessing that I wasn't going to the wedding because soon after I get this delicious little phone call that ulitimately let me off the hook with my dad.
See, I sorta came to really just dislike my dad a lot but I was in it a little too deep just to say "Been real, thanks for the mem's dad, ciao!" ya know? I mean yea, he's my dad and all but he's just kinda really stupid and immature and a HUGE pompas ass and I always had to bite my tongue off when we spoke and he LOVED to remind me that I was indeed STILL fatter than he'd like ;)
So really he did me a favor when he told me that 'anyone that decided not to go to Ryan's wedding would lose my love and respect, if you catch my drift'??
10-4 good buddy - Im hearing you LOUD and clear.
The email that proceeded the conversation was pretty freeing. Basically I told daddy that his days of bullying me and pushing me into a corner or withholding affection or love were over a long time ago and shame on him for trying and shame on me for letting him. And oh, Fuck off. Lose my number.
yea, well its not my fault that he's not bright enough to understand that the rope he walked with me was a VERY VERY short one to begin with and it also wasn't his fault that I just hadn't forgiven him.
When my brother bought at BMW at 25 it cropped up about 102432834 million feelings of hatred for my father because at 25 I HAD NO CREDIT because my dear father had put 250,000 worth of medical bills into my name at 20 - bills that were his responsibility - bills that he could have EASILY written into his bankruptsy just a short 3 months later. So I was bit bitter when my brother, the lazy spoonfed titty baby that he was was buying a BMW at 25. That was par for the course- it really was. He'd never really had anything to overcome. Daddy made sure of that. Even his most recent DUI daddy took care of. How many DUI's have I had you ask? hang on.. let me think.. Oh that's right!! None. :)
Whatever its not a comparison game - not really.
But my daddy gave me a guitar as a big, public gesture for my birthday one year (one year after we started talking) and to begin with it was way too big for a girl with big boobs like myself. I made it work anyway - and it had blood all over it - it was supposed to heal all of my wounds and make me forget. I didn't I can't I wont.
My father's latest stunts sickened me in a way that I don't have words for and I lived with that hurt for about a month before I picked up my guitar one night and smashed it into a million pieces.
Man, do I feel better. :)
when I came out to him he didn't want to hear it, it was "disgusting". Now? He has two best friends, Rosie and Kelly and they are lesbians. Did he ever apologize to me for tell me I was disgusting? No, no way. We long since forgot that.
My father had a habit of beating the shit out of me randomly when he lost his temper - this stopped when I was about 16 when I grabbed him by the throat and threw him to the ground; knee on chest and my fist ready to plow into his face I said politely "we, you and me, wont be doing this anymore because Im big enough to fight back now so we, you and me, wont be putting our hands on one another or I'm going to fucking kill you". Strangely we were on the same page from that day on.
Sometimes getting beat up is better than the emotional stuff because bruises fade a lot faster. He loved to torment me about being heavy.
My father is an asshat of the highest order and I so wanted to forgive him and be able to try to be friends as adults. I was never going to get a call from my dearest daddy and I knew that so I called. We set up a date to have dinner and we were well on our way to trying on this new friendship a few years back.
Things were stressed and strained and over time the guilt of being a horrific human being wore off for him or I guess he thought that he paid himself off with gifts because he became a low-life again really fast.
My brothers wedding was approaching and I was having a hard time communicating that the family wanted seperate seating from my mom (another long story) to my brother's fiance' at the time (yea they got married, it was so sad) and she went whining to my father Im guessing that I wasn't going to the wedding because soon after I get this delicious little phone call that ulitimately let me off the hook with my dad.
See, I sorta came to really just dislike my dad a lot but I was in it a little too deep just to say "Been real, thanks for the mem's dad, ciao!" ya know? I mean yea, he's my dad and all but he's just kinda really stupid and immature and a HUGE pompas ass and I always had to bite my tongue off when we spoke and he LOVED to remind me that I was indeed STILL fatter than he'd like ;)
So really he did me a favor when he told me that 'anyone that decided not to go to Ryan's wedding would lose my love and respect, if you catch my drift'??
10-4 good buddy - Im hearing you LOUD and clear.
The email that proceeded the conversation was pretty freeing. Basically I told daddy that his days of bullying me and pushing me into a corner or withholding affection or love were over a long time ago and shame on him for trying and shame on me for letting him. And oh, Fuck off. Lose my number.
yea, well its not my fault that he's not bright enough to understand that the rope he walked with me was a VERY VERY short one to begin with and it also wasn't his fault that I just hadn't forgiven him.
When my brother bought at BMW at 25 it cropped up about 102432834 million feelings of hatred for my father because at 25 I HAD NO CREDIT because my dear father had put 250,000 worth of medical bills into my name at 20 - bills that were his responsibility - bills that he could have EASILY written into his bankruptsy just a short 3 months later. So I was bit bitter when my brother, the lazy spoonfed titty baby that he was was buying a BMW at 25. That was par for the course- it really was. He'd never really had anything to overcome. Daddy made sure of that. Even his most recent DUI daddy took care of. How many DUI's have I had you ask? hang on.. let me think.. Oh that's right!! None. :)
Whatever its not a comparison game - not really.
But my daddy gave me a guitar as a big, public gesture for my birthday one year (one year after we started talking) and to begin with it was way too big for a girl with big boobs like myself. I made it work anyway - and it had blood all over it - it was supposed to heal all of my wounds and make me forget. I didn't I can't I wont.
My father's latest stunts sickened me in a way that I don't have words for and I lived with that hurt for about a month before I picked up my guitar one night and smashed it into a million pieces.
Man, do I feel better. :)
Friday, October 19, 2012
Major Life Changes
I couldn't possibly pretend to be able to catch you up on all the things that have been going on in my life in full but a readers' digest should do quite nicely:
For a while there I had a severe peak in pain with my back. I am still seeking out herbal pain management and my current line of defense is turmeric. It is reported to work better after one takes it for a longer period of time to "build up" but right now Im not even sure that I'm getting good-quality turmeric. I just buy the caps usually. Recently I got some good, fresh stuff that was loose in a bag. I bought that a lots of other natural pain remedies to try.
I hate to admit that I seem to always shotgun all my efforts to do this or that but I do. *sigh* So I can't tell you if the Turmeric is helping or if it's the fact that I quit smoking Tuesday morning. Ha - you're probably reading this going "oh, just Tuesday huh?" and I'm thinking OHMYGODIMADEIT4DAYS!!! lol Well almost 5 now. Hey, its the little but big things sometimes right?
Anyway nicotine is said to harass nerve endings quite a bit because it can collapse smaller capillaries responsible for supplying the nerves with blood. When that supply is taken away well those nerves obviously die. Since I've been off the smokes I have been using an electronic cig which does still have nicotine in it but Im not sure if its really the same as smoking. I know it feels very little like smoking - my complex and needy brain knows the difference let me tell you - but anywhoo I digress. . .
Lessee what else is going on for me? Without really trying to I've taken some time off - I guess because I've been in so much pain. I made a trip to the ER recently and have had a bit of a mental hiccup errrr.. yes. That's what I would call it. The kind of hiccup where you swallow and eat and push all of your worries and pain down into your toes and without warning it comes flying up and out of you like a can o fake peanuts. gggbllleerraaaahg. Something like that anyway.
It's okay. I'm okay. It was BOUND to happen. I will deal and I will come out on the other side a better, much-improved me!
Creating has been put on hold. I've been making efforts here and there but that hasn't been my focus. I guess all my mental stuff got ahold of me along with my physical stuff.. hell. I don't know. Im just an artist. I am merely designed to FEEL this crazy shit - not understand it?
So while we're on the topic how DOES one go about getting rid of the black muck that fills one's heart and soul so it doesn't run amok or better yet? Runs over? I mean really? I don't see a therapist. That's just giving all my art away. I don't go through this pain so I can pay someone to take it off of my hands - I usually create it out of me. Yea okay call me about as dense as they come - Would you suppose that I haven't exactly been getting to the torch as often as I should and therefore got proverbially 'backed-up'??
Makes me laugh to say it but Im glad we had this time to talk - no really. I need to get my ass over here a lot more often. I have a feeling that it might be a little higher on the "to do" list in the coming days.
So what's going on with you, my friends? I have missed being connected to my artsy-fartsy crazy folk - I've had my head up my ass where I guess it's needed to be but after a while it gets lonely up there. *waving arms in the air* I'm done!!!
I think I am learning more about how to balance chronic pain and life in general. My last really bad bout with pain wasn't so distracting this time. I just sorta coasted through it (without any pain meds, cream or anything but good old turmeric) and while it was anything but pleasant I think I'm getting used to my constant companion.
Regardless of the quitting smoking or the turmeric or whatever is causing me to have less pain I love it. I plan to continue to be a non-smoker (might as well fuck, I had the mental breakdown and am in the middle of mourning my fucking habit right now, you think I wanna do THIS shit again? HELL no.) and I plan to keep trying herbs here and there to see what I can benefit from. I thought about keeping a pain blog but that's just too much focusing on pain and being bla bla bla. The thought of one of you trying to take my very limited and somewhat ignorant advice about pain management makes me more than a bit freaked out too - so don't do it. I'm an artist not a doctor. I don't even play one on Tv so DO NOT do what I do. I should be your cautionary tale.
Well anyway, carry on folks. Autumn is here and just as soon as I get done with this *period* in my life I think I'll be able to experience it lol
Jesus H life is wicked sometimes eh?
be good to yourself. That's an order. ;)
Namaste
For a while there I had a severe peak in pain with my back. I am still seeking out herbal pain management and my current line of defense is turmeric. It is reported to work better after one takes it for a longer period of time to "build up" but right now Im not even sure that I'm getting good-quality turmeric. I just buy the caps usually. Recently I got some good, fresh stuff that was loose in a bag. I bought that a lots of other natural pain remedies to try.
I hate to admit that I seem to always shotgun all my efforts to do this or that but I do. *sigh* So I can't tell you if the Turmeric is helping or if it's the fact that I quit smoking Tuesday morning. Ha - you're probably reading this going "oh, just Tuesday huh?" and I'm thinking OHMYGODIMADEIT4DAYS!!! lol Well almost 5 now. Hey, its the little but big things sometimes right?
Anyway nicotine is said to harass nerve endings quite a bit because it can collapse smaller capillaries responsible for supplying the nerves with blood. When that supply is taken away well those nerves obviously die. Since I've been off the smokes I have been using an electronic cig which does still have nicotine in it but Im not sure if its really the same as smoking. I know it feels very little like smoking - my complex and needy brain knows the difference let me tell you - but anywhoo I digress. . .
Lessee what else is going on for me? Without really trying to I've taken some time off - I guess because I've been in so much pain. I made a trip to the ER recently and have had a bit of a mental hiccup errrr.. yes. That's what I would call it. The kind of hiccup where you swallow and eat and push all of your worries and pain down into your toes and without warning it comes flying up and out of you like a can o fake peanuts. gggbllleerraaaahg. Something like that anyway.
It's okay. I'm okay. It was BOUND to happen. I will deal and I will come out on the other side a better, much-improved me!
Creating has been put on hold. I've been making efforts here and there but that hasn't been my focus. I guess all my mental stuff got ahold of me along with my physical stuff.. hell. I don't know. Im just an artist. I am merely designed to FEEL this crazy shit - not understand it?
So while we're on the topic how DOES one go about getting rid of the black muck that fills one's heart and soul so it doesn't run amok or better yet? Runs over? I mean really? I don't see a therapist. That's just giving all my art away. I don't go through this pain so I can pay someone to take it off of my hands - I usually create it out of me. Yea okay call me about as dense as they come - Would you suppose that I haven't exactly been getting to the torch as often as I should and therefore got proverbially 'backed-up'??
Makes me laugh to say it but Im glad we had this time to talk - no really. I need to get my ass over here a lot more often. I have a feeling that it might be a little higher on the "to do" list in the coming days.
So what's going on with you, my friends? I have missed being connected to my artsy-fartsy crazy folk - I've had my head up my ass where I guess it's needed to be but after a while it gets lonely up there. *waving arms in the air* I'm done!!!
I think I am learning more about how to balance chronic pain and life in general. My last really bad bout with pain wasn't so distracting this time. I just sorta coasted through it (without any pain meds, cream or anything but good old turmeric) and while it was anything but pleasant I think I'm getting used to my constant companion.
Regardless of the quitting smoking or the turmeric or whatever is causing me to have less pain I love it. I plan to continue to be a non-smoker (might as well fuck, I had the mental breakdown and am in the middle of mourning my fucking habit right now, you think I wanna do THIS shit again? HELL no.) and I plan to keep trying herbs here and there to see what I can benefit from. I thought about keeping a pain blog but that's just too much focusing on pain and being bla bla bla. The thought of one of you trying to take my very limited and somewhat ignorant advice about pain management makes me more than a bit freaked out too - so don't do it. I'm an artist not a doctor. I don't even play one on Tv so DO NOT do what I do. I should be your cautionary tale.
Well anyway, carry on folks. Autumn is here and just as soon as I get done with this *period* in my life I think I'll be able to experience it lol
Jesus H life is wicked sometimes eh?
be good to yourself. That's an order. ;)
Namaste
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
it's times like these
that you find out what you're made of.
Pain was inconsequential to me for most of my journey thus far because I could just pop a pain pill and get on with my life in a mannor of speaking.
But these small nagging questions were popping up - where did I put that thing that I need so badly right now? When did I make that appointment for again? Why didn't I write it down? Did I get that done? What the hell is going on?
I was stuck in the movie Momento - I was losing large chunks of my life. Honestly? I felt like I was losing my mind. It was beyond frustrating and for me, enough was enough. There had to be a better way to go about this. I just needed to start thinking about things differently.
The next visit to see the pain management doctor would results in taking narcotics off of the table entirely to see what she had to offer. The amount of options were actually quite startling (and what a relief that was!)! I had to wonder why narcotic meds were often the first line of defense when there were so many other avenues to treat pain? Was it because we the consumer are pushing for instant gratification so we are in effect training our healers to just give us a quick fix? Possibly. Or are we talking about peer pressure from the big pharm companies to hand out these dangerous little pills for the almighty capitalistic gain? Let's face it - a big part of what drives Americans is greed. But I refuse to believe that every healer is spurned on by our pill culture - there are some good doctors left in the world, right?
So, in conclusion I've been off pain pills now for almost a month and I have to tell you that it's one of the best and hardest decisions I've made for myself. But I didn't go off because I'm healed or no longer in pain - quite the opposite. I struggle with chronic pain at different levels every day. Some days are better than others. Overall I guess I'm pretty lucky in retrospect. I read about people that have been in horrible car accidents and have several painful conditions and when it comes to the kinds of hell that people live in the list just goes on and on. This is not to say that one pain is better than the other - I just know when to count my blessings.
My new methodology is anything non-narcotic. We are starting different treatments now. Lidocaine patches are effective for me as they somehow numb the nerves that cause my legs to ache. Along that same vein is lidocaine cream with lots of non narcotic non steroidal anti inflammatory goodies in it. I get that tomorrow and have a lot of hope for that one. I've heard its good stuff.
I'm also trying herbs, supplements and OTC pain relievers. Once upon a time things like aspercream and tylenol precise and biofreeze helped but Im way past those now and into a completely different world of pain that those don't touch at all.
I still use heat and ice nearly daily. Heat is a morning get me going thing and then I follow that up with ice to knock back the swelling in my spine.
By the way we are treating Degenerative Disk Disease. That's the official diagnosis these days. I have two bulging disks and severe misalignment.
I will be trying chiropractic here soon. I was astonished when she suggested even pushed that treatment. I had read that its a big no no for us with bulging disks. I have a feeling that it would be still if she didn't know someone who specialized in treating those with such a condition.
I want to say that I will always be strong and take the road less travelled but I know that's a lie. I will try my hardest to stay here and just deal with things as they come. My pain does make me very desperate at times and I think it would just be easier if I just gave in - but just as I am breaking mentally and going down that darkened road of dispair something breaks and I kinda come back again.
I do worry sometimes about the mental ramifications that pain seems to have on me - I do get into a pretty awful funk but so long as I can crawl back out I find this to be just something that comes along with dealing.
This has been in the forefront of my life and mind for some time now and I think about it a lot. I can't help it. When I am in pain all I can do is to try to figure out ways to get out. Its like something is on fire and I have to put it out - and it feels like a cycle sometimes where when it wont let up and it drags me further and further down I claw harder and harder to keep from slipping too far down - that's when the best ideas come to me in the darkest of my times.
Just last night I was having a breakthrough pain and really nothing was touching it. I was wearing a lidocaine patch, had swallowed as much OTC pain medication as I could and was sitting on a heating pad. I just couldn't get comfortable. I laid down, I sat up. I walked around and I stretched out the backs of my legs. It just wouldn't leave me be! And in the moment of my terrible crunchiness I had an epiphany of sorts - I realized that I was thinking about this in all the wrong ways - I was still holding on to the idea that someone else could fix me better than I could fix myself. When did I stop being my own healer ? When did that happen exactly?
My mind was on fire with new ideas and the thought of doing more to help myself was not only exciting but really enlightening. I was going to get more proactive and take matters into my own hands more than I'd ever done before.
Before things were different - I could spend some of my time thinking about my back stuff because it didn't need me as much and perhaps that's where I went wrong? If I had dedicated more time to being my own healer, I might be in better shape now? There's no way of knowing for sure and honestly it doesn't matter now. I can't change what has happened - now I need to move forward.
I have no idea what my rehab will look like as I've yet to do my research but that's the direction that I'm headed. I plan to get strong again - heal myself with exercise and therapy and stay strong. I've always had an advantage in life in that I have super tenacity. Im not capable of giving up. I don't even know what it means to do so and I'm going to use every ounce that I have for this. Its a do or die situation for me at this point - Every cell, every ounce of energy is being used up to treat and care for the pain in my life - I am getting further and further away from myself everyday. I miss being an artist. I miss being creative and working too many hours. I am completely disconnected from everything that makes me feel alive and like a whole human being. That has to change. This? Can't be my life and it wont be.
Im looking forward to the day when I no longer have to focus on pain any longer.
The journey does not end here. giving up is not an option.
Namaste
Pain was inconsequential to me for most of my journey thus far because I could just pop a pain pill and get on with my life in a mannor of speaking.
But these small nagging questions were popping up - where did I put that thing that I need so badly right now? When did I make that appointment for again? Why didn't I write it down? Did I get that done? What the hell is going on?
I was stuck in the movie Momento - I was losing large chunks of my life. Honestly? I felt like I was losing my mind. It was beyond frustrating and for me, enough was enough. There had to be a better way to go about this. I just needed to start thinking about things differently.
The next visit to see the pain management doctor would results in taking narcotics off of the table entirely to see what she had to offer. The amount of options were actually quite startling (and what a relief that was!)! I had to wonder why narcotic meds were often the first line of defense when there were so many other avenues to treat pain? Was it because we the consumer are pushing for instant gratification so we are in effect training our healers to just give us a quick fix? Possibly. Or are we talking about peer pressure from the big pharm companies to hand out these dangerous little pills for the almighty capitalistic gain? Let's face it - a big part of what drives Americans is greed. But I refuse to believe that every healer is spurned on by our pill culture - there are some good doctors left in the world, right?
So, in conclusion I've been off pain pills now for almost a month and I have to tell you that it's one of the best and hardest decisions I've made for myself. But I didn't go off because I'm healed or no longer in pain - quite the opposite. I struggle with chronic pain at different levels every day. Some days are better than others. Overall I guess I'm pretty lucky in retrospect. I read about people that have been in horrible car accidents and have several painful conditions and when it comes to the kinds of hell that people live in the list just goes on and on. This is not to say that one pain is better than the other - I just know when to count my blessings.
My new methodology is anything non-narcotic. We are starting different treatments now. Lidocaine patches are effective for me as they somehow numb the nerves that cause my legs to ache. Along that same vein is lidocaine cream with lots of non narcotic non steroidal anti inflammatory goodies in it. I get that tomorrow and have a lot of hope for that one. I've heard its good stuff.
I'm also trying herbs, supplements and OTC pain relievers. Once upon a time things like aspercream and tylenol precise and biofreeze helped but Im way past those now and into a completely different world of pain that those don't touch at all.
I still use heat and ice nearly daily. Heat is a morning get me going thing and then I follow that up with ice to knock back the swelling in my spine.
By the way we are treating Degenerative Disk Disease. That's the official diagnosis these days. I have two bulging disks and severe misalignment.
I will be trying chiropractic here soon. I was astonished when she suggested even pushed that treatment. I had read that its a big no no for us with bulging disks. I have a feeling that it would be still if she didn't know someone who specialized in treating those with such a condition.
I want to say that I will always be strong and take the road less travelled but I know that's a lie. I will try my hardest to stay here and just deal with things as they come. My pain does make me very desperate at times and I think it would just be easier if I just gave in - but just as I am breaking mentally and going down that darkened road of dispair something breaks and I kinda come back again.
I do worry sometimes about the mental ramifications that pain seems to have on me - I do get into a pretty awful funk but so long as I can crawl back out I find this to be just something that comes along with dealing.
This has been in the forefront of my life and mind for some time now and I think about it a lot. I can't help it. When I am in pain all I can do is to try to figure out ways to get out. Its like something is on fire and I have to put it out - and it feels like a cycle sometimes where when it wont let up and it drags me further and further down I claw harder and harder to keep from slipping too far down - that's when the best ideas come to me in the darkest of my times.
Just last night I was having a breakthrough pain and really nothing was touching it. I was wearing a lidocaine patch, had swallowed as much OTC pain medication as I could and was sitting on a heating pad. I just couldn't get comfortable. I laid down, I sat up. I walked around and I stretched out the backs of my legs. It just wouldn't leave me be! And in the moment of my terrible crunchiness I had an epiphany of sorts - I realized that I was thinking about this in all the wrong ways - I was still holding on to the idea that someone else could fix me better than I could fix myself. When did I stop being my own healer ? When did that happen exactly?
My mind was on fire with new ideas and the thought of doing more to help myself was not only exciting but really enlightening. I was going to get more proactive and take matters into my own hands more than I'd ever done before.
Before things were different - I could spend some of my time thinking about my back stuff because it didn't need me as much and perhaps that's where I went wrong? If I had dedicated more time to being my own healer, I might be in better shape now? There's no way of knowing for sure and honestly it doesn't matter now. I can't change what has happened - now I need to move forward.
I have no idea what my rehab will look like as I've yet to do my research but that's the direction that I'm headed. I plan to get strong again - heal myself with exercise and therapy and stay strong. I've always had an advantage in life in that I have super tenacity. Im not capable of giving up. I don't even know what it means to do so and I'm going to use every ounce that I have for this. Its a do or die situation for me at this point - Every cell, every ounce of energy is being used up to treat and care for the pain in my life - I am getting further and further away from myself everyday. I miss being an artist. I miss being creative and working too many hours. I am completely disconnected from everything that makes me feel alive and like a whole human being. That has to change. This? Can't be my life and it wont be.
Im looking forward to the day when I no longer have to focus on pain any longer.
The journey does not end here. giving up is not an option.
Namaste
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